I have been married for almost four decades now. I married a college mate of mine, who was one year junior to me. She was a gold medalist in the university and had joined a leading de-addiction centre in Chennai as a counsellor, after passing out from college.

She quit her job after we got married as she had to move from Chennai to Bhilai, where I was working. This was her first sacrifice. A person who was academically brilliant but could not pursue her career of choice since she got married to a person, who was working in another city and put her spouse’s career ahead of her own self.

This choice was by mutual consent and we did not feel bad about it. We then had children and she qualified the Natioinal Eligibility Test (NET) in the first attempt and joined as an assistant professor in college. She continued for some time and then again quit her career, to take care of our two growing up kids.

We moved across cities, as I lived and worked across the country, in pursuit of my career. After supporting me and my family for almost four decades, we decided to settle down in Bangalore.

All through my career, my spouse supported me and my family to live a cosy life and also reared our children to be self dependant adults whilst I was busy pursuing my career goals.

She did continue to write, read and travel, which are her passions in life. She also learnt languages and some art and crafts apart from participating in music and dance, which she could pursue ,some times.

She selflessly sacrificed her career and passions to support me in my career and also support my kids to grow up as good human beings. While we have supported each other in all our pursuits, I realise that post retirement from my active career, it is payback time for me.

We returned to Bangalore and settled down. She pursues her hobbies including gardening. She also continues to write and travel along with me to places around the country and the world.

We walk together every day for more than three decades and do yoga for more than a decade. However, now her health is fragile with her knees becoming weak perhaps because of all the burden she bore for all of us over the last four decades.

Now, it is my time to pay back. I need to manage the family and take care of day to day chores, to the best of my ability. Although, she continues to manage most of the home affairs, I realise that I have a bigger role to play today.

My children have got married and have flown away from the nest to pursue their own careers. They have responsibilities to take care of their own families. Today, I pursue my hobbies of reading, writing, travelling, coaching, driving and consulting and hence I can manage my own time ,as per my plans.

My goal in life is to give to back to society, in the best ways I can. Apart from that, I have take to care of my spouse and her health and payback for all that she sacrificed for us right through our life.

I realise today ,that it is never too late to give back in life to all the people who have made you successful and happy in life. Of all the people who have supported me in my life, my spouse has been the biggest contributor . so its time for me to payback to her.

It is never too late to payback in life.

S Ramesh Shankar

3rd May 2023

One of the biggest challenges in the world today is to take care of old and bed ridden family members. With many children moving out of their native countries for better career opportunities, the old and ailing members of the family are left alone to take care of themselves.

I have witnessed spouses taking care of one another without taking help from any professional agency. I salute the family members, who serve the elderly selflessly, as they realise that some day they could be old too and someone will take care of them.

However, when I recently attended a webinar on “elder care” I realised that taking care of the “care-giver” is possibly more important in society than even the person being taken care of. Imagine a dementia patient at home being taken care by a family member. The care giver may be providing selfless service in the true spirit of humanity.

But I realised after attending this webinar that the stress and strain, which a care giver goes through is possibly as much if not more than the person in distress. This tells us that we possibly do not realise the adverse impact of the patient on the care giver. We need to care for the care giver as much as he or she cares for the person in distress.

Let us examine this with a simple case. A senior citizen in a home is suffering from demnitia. The wife of the person is taking care of him day in and night out with the support of house helpers. The spouse is all alone as the kids have already left the nest for better pastures in life. So, apart from taking care of the dementia of her husband, she is managing the home affairs on a day to day basis and also bearing the stress of the reactions of the patient and its consequences. This could lead to physical and psychological stress on the spouse.

We may not realise this stress unless we experience it. A person from outside the family may be empathetic to the patient but may not realise the stress and strain the care giver is undergoing in taking care of the patient. Sometimes the impact could be irreversible and long lasting. Hence, it is important to take care of the care giver as much if not more than the patient.

Let us understand the stress the care giver goes through while taking care of a patient. They are physically and mentally exhausted. Sometimes, they may be skipping their meals to be around the patient and take care of them. This could lead to physical and mental health issues.

The psychological impact the patient may have on the care giver is also unimaginable. They may absorb all the stress of the patient onto themselves. This could lead to physical or psychological disorders, which may be visible or may be latent. It may explode at a later date if not take care of.

Thus, I realise the care for the “Care giver” is as important as the care for the patient. Let us all strive to enable the care givers to be supported as much as the people in our family or friends circle in distress and needing help and support.

Let us care for the “Care giver”.

S Ramesh Shankar

1st May 2023

 

We all love to talk rather than listen. We want everyone around us to listen to us while we talk. But, we do not care to listen to others when they talk. We want others to be empathic to us all the time but we will not do the same.

Empathy is the art of putting oneself ,in the shoes of others. If we are able to do that ,we know where the shoe pinches. In our everyday life we have full of advices for others. Many a time, we are not bothered if we appreciate the other person’s position before we give advice.

This is true in our personal and professional lives. We advise our children to do things ,which we dreaded doing. We expect the impossible from our children in academics, sports or even in cultural events ,while we may have been an average student and never participated in them.

In the work environment, leaders are not different. They will demand from their team what they have never done. It is like a coach telling a player ,to try something, which he himself would have never practised. Such leaders have no credibility. They survive ,only by wielding their power and position .once that disappears, nobody respects them in their team.

Life is no different. We expect from others ,what we do not practise. We seldom put ourselves in the position of someone ,before we demand anything from them. This makes us hollow human beings. Neither the family nor the society will ever respect us ,for the same.

However, one may sometimes wonder as to “ Why people do it repeatedly although they are aware of it ? This may be because of our ego or because of our position in the family, organisation or society. People do not realise ,that others value the person and not the position. There may be a wrong belief that people respect position but the reality hits us ,only when the person vacates that position.

We may need to practise before we preach. We need to empathise and not sympathise with others ,before we demand anything. Our ability to see the world through the eyes and ears of others ,may help us be grounded and not float in the air. Our credibility as a human being and as a leader ,in any social context, goes up when we live the values we preach.

It may be time to look at the mirror before we look at others. It may be time to look before we leap. Our ability to experience the world through the prism of others will make us better human beings.

The day we realise that the life of others is different from us and we need to experience their worldview before we impose our worldview, our life will be different. Our eyes may open to a new world which we may not have experienced before.

Let us learn to change ourselves before we attempt to change the world.

S Ramesh shankar

15th February 2023