Today we live in a generation of working couples. Both spouses are well qualified and work in their respective areas of passion. In my view, both spouses working a great things as it brings in equity and financial independence for both.

Many young couple today defer their marriage since they are busy in pursuit of their passions and goals in life. It may be worthwhile for individuals to determine when they want to marry in life. It is an individual choice , although marrying at a relatively younger age after you settle down in your career may ,make your future easier and stabler.

Once couples get married, they do not want to have kids for fear of losing their freedom in life and the responsibility of rearing children. Another factor that comes into play is that ,today most couples live in nuclear families since they move away from their parents, in pursuit of their career goals.

While when to have a kid, is the exclusive prerogative of a young couple, it may be better to start early rather than late in life. How early has to be determined by the couple themselves ,so that they can own responsibility for their decision rather than being coaxed by their parents or elders in the family.

One of the biggest joys in life, is to become a parent. This joy is to be experienced to be believed. Although the mother goes through a lot of challenges during pregnancy and even post delivery, still the happiness of having a child overcomes all these difficulties.

During the first year of parenthood, both the parents have a tough time managing work and life. This becomes all the more challenging when both are working parents. Some of the ways to overcome these pangs of early parenthood could be :

A. Respect and learn from your parents : If the working couple is lucky to have parents from either side or both, they could respect and learn from them. If they could stay with you during this period, it could help you manage this stressful period with elan. However, one needs to remember that the young working parents should respect, care and learn from their parents rather than utilising them as nannies during this period of life and forgetting their value ,as the kid grows up.

B. Sharing responsibilities : Both the spouses need to share responsibilities of parenthood. It may be easier said than done. However, it can be practically evolved ,on what one is good at and enjoys doing. Neither partner should feel neglected or over burdened during this critical period of parenthood.

C. Pausing career aspirations: It is a fact that during this phase of one’s life, it may be tough to balance career and personal life. Both spouses may have to make sacrifices in their work and career to share this key responsibility as parents of a young child . It may be worthwhile to remember that our careers do not come to a halt if we take a break or take it easy during this period. Organisations are supportive, nowadays.

D. Maternity, Paternity & Child care leave: Most organisations today have policies to support maternity, paternity and child care. Both spouses should take the best benefit of these policies and not get cowed down by career dreams at this stage. The child’s future is more important than anything in our career, at this stage.

E. Sabbatical could be an option : Many organisations also have sabbatical policies and it may be worthwhile for either parent or even both to take a sabbatical during this phase of their parenthood. The early years of a child are the formative years and the parents make the best impressions on the child. This role of parents cannot be delegated to maids/servants or even parents, grand parents or other relatives or friends in your network.

The good news is that ,after the children cross a particular age, they become more independent and then one could re focus on their careers and life aspirations. The first few years of childhood are vital for a child’s growth and the development of their personalities.

It is very important to remember that the primary responsibility of rearing one’s children is that of both the parents. It is not the responsibility of your parents or grand parents.

If we think, we are not capable of shouldering this important responsibility in our lives, it may be worthwhile to review ,when one would like to have kids or not have kids at all. But thinking one could delegate this responsibility to elders or others ,to take care of your kids is a an act, which you may regret later ,in your lives.

The joy of parenthood begins with the birth of a child but can be fully realised ,only when we are willing and ready to shoulder the responsibilities of parenthood, which comes with this.

Let us learn to celebrate parenthood.

S Ramesh Shankar

9th Dec 2023

I have seen a lot of people admiring their Moms and Dads and writing about them. While some adore their Moms, others adore their Dads. I wondered what could be the differences between our Moms and Dads.

Being a Dad and having a wife, who is a Mom of two kids, I have experienced being a Dad myself. Further, I was fortunate to have my Mom and Dad in my life ,till I started working as a professional at the age of 22.

I will try to synthesise the differences between Moms and Dads and how they are perceived by the children. This may possibly help us understand the differences in their perceptions, as parents.

A Mom expresses her love through words and deeds. On the other hand, a Dad generally does not express much in words but conveys more by not saying much. A Dad’s actions may speak more than his words.

A Mom is always accessible and empathetic towards her children. A Dad is felt more by his absence and his behaviour. We may see Moms getting emotional at things happening around them. On the other hand, one may hardly see his Dad getting emotionally impacted.

When we are young, our Moms display compassion through their everyday actions. On the other hand, our Dad tries to discipline us, to make us stand on our own feet. While both compassion and discipline is important for our future, we may sometimes get overwhelmed by compassion or may rebel at being disciplined.

As children grow up, the mother becomes the emotional anchor in their lives and father becomes the life anchor. Children like to talk to their moms to complain about everyone in their lives and talk to their Dads when they need professional or personal advice. In some cases, this could be reverse of what is generally believed – Dad becomes the emotional anchor and Mom becomes the personal advisor in life.

The beauty of our lives is that we do not realise the value of our Mom or Dad till they are around. We suddenly realise how invaluable they were, when they are unfortunately not around us. This is not unique to any individual. This is a true tenet of life itself. We do not value something ,till we lose it.

A Mom listens first and speaks later.. Dads generally speak first and listen later. While some of us want others to always listen to us, others prefer listening to speaking. This makes us like our Mom or Dad ,as the situation we prefer.

Both Moms and Dads are invaluable to our lives. While one is like a friend and philosopher in life, the other may be an anchor on whom we rely on. We need both advice and refrain , at different stages in our lives.

As our children grow up, we need to realise that they also have become Moms and Dads in their own lives and can stand on their own feet. Like Vidhur had said in Mahabharat, an adult needs to be given advice only when asked. Both Moms and Dads realise at this stage of life to “let go” and let their children lead their own lives.

Whom do you prefer – Mom or Dad or both ?

S Ramesh Shankar

30th Nov 2023

 

All of us meet different types of people in our lives. We meet them in the family circles, amongst friends, at work and the in the community around us or wherever we travel.

It is interesting that amongst all the people we meet in our lives, there are some, who make us happy ,every time we meet them. They may not be rich in wealth or the most accomplished, in their chosen professional field.

Let us examine what the qualities that they have, which make us happy in their company always :

1. Unconditional love : They express unconditional love. They are around always and are unconditional in their love and care for you. They do not need you and are not looking for anything in return from you.

2. Genuine and Authentic : They care for you and their caring ,touches you every time they are around due their genuineness and authenticity. Their authenticity is reflected in their eyes and their genuineness expressed through their emotions.

3. A great listener : They seem to have all the time in the world for you always. They are active listeners and are not in any hurry ,anytime. They make you feel as if listening to you ,is their privilege.

4. Available 24×7 : In this digital age, they are available to you all the time. You can call them, walk in to their homes or offices or chat with them anytime you need them. You do not need appointments to meet them and they give you an impression ,that you never intrude into their personal space.

5. Life coaches : While they may not accredited or trained professional coaches, their behaviour makes you believe ,that they are your life coaches. They listen always. They will never give you any unsolicited advice. They will ask you the right questions ,to make you feel better and make your feel nice ,without even saying a word , just by their presence.

6. Service before self: Their motto in life seems to be “serving others before self”. Everyone we know of ,seem to be in awe of them. They are friends ,for all people we know. They seem to have no enemies. It looks as if they live for others only.

7. Responsiveness : Their responsiveness is to be seen to be believed. They will respond to every phone call, reply to every email, chat whenever you want to chat with them. In case, they are busy for any reason, they will always call back, chat back or write back ,to close the loop.  They will never say they have no time for you.

8. Humility :  Their humility and selflessness bounces you off the ground.  Even if they hold high positions in organisations or the society at large, they will never make you feel less important than them.  As a friend, they will always treat you on par.  

Apart from the above, there may be many qualities of these people, which one needs to experience to understand them better.  Each of us may have different experiences to share.  But all of us will unequivocally confirm that they are super human beings.  They make you happier even on a day when they may not have tears to cry. 

Their presence ignites your energy.  Their absence leaves a vacuum in your life that day.  They make you believe that there are wonderful people around the world for us and they care for us.  No crisis looks big in their company.  No misery is endless with their support.

It may be time to learn from them and rediscover ourselves in life.

S Ramesh Shankar

4th Dec 2023