Category: Emotions/Relationships

Social Entropy

I heard three incidents in the last few weeks and felt very disturbed. All these incidents were shaking ,the basic foundations of social institutions in India. The rich Indian culture was getting shaken by such incidents and our belief in them , getting shattered.

The first incident was when a young couple got married and went on a honeymoon. There, the wife kills her spouse by hiring goons ,since she wanted to marry her lover. I am not against anyone marrying anyone they love. But, what I could not understand is, to marry someone against her own wishes and then killing her spouse during her honeymoon.

This shook the institution of family and marriage. Her own parents and siblings could not believe how this could happen and have rightly disowned her ,after this incident and supported the late son in law’s family.

The second incident was ,when an elderly couple were admitted to an old age home by their son ,stating that his parents did not like the food cooked by his spouse. His parents in their eighties ,committed suicide by hanging from the fan.

We were further told that the son had admitted his parents earlier too, forcibly ,in an old age home a few years back and they returned to his house, since they did not like the environment in that home. The roots of “family” as an institution is being questioned. How can one think of admitting his/her own parents in an old age home, when you are in the same city and are capable of taking care of them.

The third incident was when I got news of a friend’s death in a distant city ,two days after his death. When I enquired from some other friends living in the same city ,in his neighbourhood, they were are not even aware of his death. Are we getting so socially alienated ,that we are not aware of a friend dying in our neighbourhood.

We are making a lot of progress technologically and science is taking us to places. Artificial intelligence may make life easier and more comfortable for us ,than ever before. But, what is the use of all this, if we cannot be honest in our relationships. We cannot nurture family, friends or respect our own parents.

Although, I was not personally impacted by any of the above incidents directly, I had no tears to cry. I felt as if my tear glands had dried up like the wells and lakes ,during a severe drought in some states. What is the use of living a life of prosperity ,when we cannot take care of the people, who made us prosperous today.

In the past, if something happens in our village, the whole village would come to know of it and everyone will try their best ,to contribute. I agree that urbanisation has made us alienated and distances have broken relationships. But what is the use of technology, if we cannot be in touch and nurture those relationships.

I am a born optimist ,in general. But, today I would say that I prefer to die rather than live in a society, which tolerates spouses killing one another after marriage ,to marry a lover. I would hate to live in a society, where parents cannot be taken care of ,with love and are sent to old age homes, where they end up committing suicide as they feel unwanted. I regret to live in a community, where I am unaware of my neighbour’s death ,even though I live in the same neighbourhood.

But, being a born optimist, I hope the worst is over and the next generation ,will realise ,that the rich Indian culture ,was always built on the foundations of family, marriage and extended communities ,as social institutions.

Let us look within and contribute ,to bring back the glory ,of the great India culture.

S Ramesh Shankar

27th June 2025

Treat everyone well..

Uncomfortable truth – “The way people treat you ,is a reflection of them. The way you tolerate it , is a reflection of you. “

I have spent my whole career in the field of Human Resources. Many employees have complained to me ,that they have not been treated well by their bosses, peers or even team members. I have always told them that we get ,what we give to others. It may be difficult to digest and also to practise. But, the reality is that, if we are able to get over this dilemma, then life is beautiful.

Let us focus on what is under our control and not on those things, which are not. We can treat people well without expecting anything in return. This may be difficult ,especially at a younger age. But, as we mature, if we are able to take this important step ,in building relationships, this may go a long way ,in our own lives at work and life, in general.

The question we have to ask ourselves is – “How do we treat everyone around us ?’ Many of us are kind and respectful to elders and seniors, at the workplace. Our behaviour dramatically changes with peers, subordinates and younger people ,around us. This dichotomy in behaviour is apparent and cannot be hidden ,for long.

We cannot have two personalities inbuilt in us. We need to learn to treat everyone around us well. It could be the house help at home, the security guard at work or the pantry staff. It does not matter. If we learn to treat everyone with respect and love, there is no reason ,they will not reciprocate the same.

There could be occasions, when someone in your family or friends circle or even at the workplace, may misbehave with you. As a youngster, our natural reaction is to hit back and behave, worser than them. However, as we grow in life and work, we may realise that our behaviour ,is a reflection of our personality and values. The behaviour of others is a reflection of them. The way we tolerate them ,is a true reflection of our nature.

One may argue that how do we react to someone ,who is misbehaving with you ? Yes, it may not be easy, especially at a young age or at the beginning of your career. However, the day we realise that our behaviour is under our control and the other person’s behaviour is beyond our control, we may be able to practise , this basic tenet for good relationships.

We need to mature to realise, that if we lose our temper or throw tantrums, it is a reflection of our own self and our control over our mind. On the other hand, a person who does not react negatively, to someone throwing tantrums or being impatient, is respected more, by others in the group.

The reality of life is that ,others treat us ,the way we treat them. If we respect others and treat them with love, we are likely to be respected and treated with love. On the contrary, errant behaviour may result in worser reactions and may get beyond our control.

Let us treat everyone well from today.

S Ramesh Shankar

8th June 2025

Perfect spouses ?

“There are no perfect husbands and no perfect wives. But if you keep believing in each other, there will be plenty of perfect moments together.” A nice quote, I came across, which triggered a lot of thoughts in my mind.

The truth of life is that, nothing is perfect. So are partners, in a marriage. There are no perfect husbands, wives or even partners. The joy of life , is to enjoy the imperfection, between us.

Marriage is communion of mutual trust and belief ,in each other. If we trust one another and believe in one another, we will be able to live with each other’s imperfections, have healthy conflicts and find ways mutually ,to resolve the same.

On the other hand, if we keep looking for the perfect spouse to marry, we may have to enter our grave ,as a bachelor or spinster. The reality is that none of us are perfect and that is the basic tenet of life. Even nature teaches us to enjoy the beauty of imperfection. No two leaves will be identical, in the same tree.

I am not sermonising here ,but trying to share my personal experience as a married person, for over four decades. I did marry a person of my choice. However, the truth is that ,we are two independent personalities. We may have a lot in common and many things different.

I am an extrovert whereas I my spouse is more of an introvert. This does not mean ,we cannot live compatibly. This means we need to recognise and respect each others individuality. I love all my cars in black and my spouse likes bright red. This does not mean we can never buy a car. We possibly need to buy a black and red car alternatively to keep each other happy.

We need to let go our egos, to keep the other person happy. We need to recognise ,that we are different and respect the differences. Our ability to adapt and recognise differences ,may keep us together as partners.

There would be conflicts between us and differences to resolve. If any married couple claim that they have never had differences or conflicts, they may be lying. The reality of harmony ,is not absence of conflicts between partners, but their ability to accept and resolve them through conversations, mutually.

We also may sometimes like to tread different paths ,to achieve our life goals. The ability to dialogue and agree on a common path ,acceptable to both the partners ,is based on the foundation of mutual trust and respect. The day we appreciate each others’ individuality and respect differences, we will be able to resolve anything.

Happiness in marriage is not because of absence of conflicts but the presence of the ability to dialogue and resolve differences with mutual respect and adaptability.

Nothing in life is perfect but our ability to adapt to imperfections and appreciate mutual differences, is the key to resolving conflicts.

One of the partners has to let go their ego and be willing to accept that in a particular context ,they could be wrong. This will be the key to success in this relationship.

Let us learn to enjoy the imperfections in life from today.

S Ramesh Shankar

8th June 2025.