Category: Emotions/Relationships

Understanding your mother

I am a proud Hindu and consider Hinduism ,as one of the most liberal religions in the world. Hinduism gives me the liberty and space, to practise the religion the way I want to ,and I love that. I have never been a great believer, in many of the rituals of Hinduism.

However, of late, as I experienced some of the rituals, I realise the value of each of them. I was recently on a pilgrimage to Rameshwaram, Varnasi, Prayagraj and Gaya to perform Shradh ( death rituals) of my parents, who died almost four decades back. This is a ritual, which is performed by children for their parents and forefathers ,at least once in their life time and is considered sacrosanct.

The belief is that, if you perform this ritual ,your parents and forefathers will be liberated from the cycle of life and death and will attain moksha (or we may salvation) for themselves. I performed this ritual with my spouse, with sincere devotion and completed it, over three weeks, in the month of March.

While I was performing this ritual in Gaya, which is one of the holy places, where you perform this ritual, the Pandit ( learned guru) explained to us ,why we need to be grateful to our mothers ,in our lives. He explained the whole cycle of life right from conception in the womb of our mothers till our life time, He also explained how our mothers sacrifice everything to make us live and be prosperous.

The day the mother learns about conception and it is confirmed, she is joyous about impending birth of her child. But , she experiences physical and emotional distress. She may have nausea, vomiting, sleeplessness and a lot of other known and unknown physical distresses, which needs to be experienced ,to be understood.

Then in the first trimester of pregnancy, while the mother is taken care of by her parents and family, with nutritious food and care , she sacrifices her sleep, her physical and emotional health ,for the welfare of the child. She may give up her career, her sleep, her food habits, her hobbies and many other good things in her life ,for the good of her child in the stomach.

The second trimester the child grows in the womb and the mother being inexperienced ,has to take extra care ,not to hurt the child physically or emotionally. She is willing to sacrifice a lot of life’s pleasures, to rear the child in her womb and ensure a healthy delivery.

The final trimester may be as challenging ,as the first two. The mother feels the motions of the child inside her, at odd hours. She wakes up in the middle of the night and sits down, so as to allow the child to sleep peacefully. She may listen to music or even sing to keep the child calm and undisturbed.

Then the delivery happens and the first five years ,are still a big struggle for the mother and father ,to take care of the child. The father supports the mother to take care of the child ,but the pains and tribulations of the mother, has to be experienced to be believed.

If we look back, many of us ,may take our parents for granted and especially our mother. We are not aware of the unlimited sacrifices they make, for our well being. This ritual brought tears to my eyes ,as the Pandit narrated all the sacrifices of the mother ,in great details.

I bow in gratitude to my mother and salute all the mothers, who have sacrificed so much ,for their children. I have seen my sisters, my spouse and even my daughter , go through this phase of motherhood.

Let us learn to grateful to our mothers and commit to take care of them, right through our lives.

S Ramesh Shankar

31st May 2025

Memory

Everything in life ,becomes a memory ,over time. Our childhood is memory today and so is our youth and for many of us ,our adulthood and work life. It is a fact that ,everything in life ,has a shelf life. Just like every product has a life and the expiry date is generally printed on the product packing itself, so are our life spans.

What is alive and real in front of us today, becomes a memory sooner than later. We cannot stop this aspect of life. However, what is in our hands ,is what we do ,so that our memories are cherished by us and others ,in our lives.

If we were a good student and did well in academics, sports or cultural activities, we may be remembered for our accomplishments ,in whatever field we excelled. If we were a well behaved child and disciplined, people will remember us as a role model ,for other kids.

On the other hand, if we were known for our antics and misconducts, we may leave back a negative foot print , for future generations. So, it is a reality ,that our memories are not built on air. Our memories are frozen through our actions of today ,for future generations ,to recall and remember us.

If we do well and behave well, people remember us for our success and our kindness. If we squander our lives and ruin the lives of well wishers, not many would like to recall, what we did in our past. Our actions will always sketch our memories and not our imagination.

Let us realise today ,that what we do today ,is what people will remember as memory, in the future. We may have committed many mistakes in our lives, as all of us are human. But ,we have an opportunity every day in our lives ,to rewrite history or if I may say, create memories for the future.

We have heard of transformed dacoits, who turned a new leaf and led a life of virtues. We have heard of academically poor students, who have become successful in life ,through their hard work and focus, to achieve whatever they wanted ,in their lives. We have heard of successful sports persons, who have not even completed their schooling ,but have become world champions ,in their respective sports.

We need to decide ,what memories we want to leave for our children and future generations. What we do today ,is the mirror of our future for the next generation. We need not spend much time regretting any past actions, which we are not proud of. But, we have an opportunity at any stage of our life to create memories for the future ,through great deeds today.

Let not the past, colour our future. Let the past be learning -lights ,for the present and guiding compasses ,for the future. Our actions are in our hands and we cannot blame the environment or our family, friends or colleagues for them. If we succeed, we can take the credit and if we fail, the responsibility is squarely ours.

So, let the journey of creating memories for the future ,start today with our actions.

S Ramesh Shankar

31st May 2025

Empathy in action

I was recently in a hospital, interacting with a group of doctors. We were discussing the subject of emotional intelligence and how it is applicable to doctors. I was trying to explain to them that in everything we do in life, there is a what and how.

Emotional intelligence teaches us that ,how is as important as the what of things, or may be more. We use our intelligence to do the what and we need to use our emotional quotient ,to do the how. We can always learn the what ,by gaining knowledge and skills but the how has to come from within us and our attitude to life and living.

While discussing this subject, one of the doctors shared a real incident, in the hospital. A child undergoing a critical operation died on the operation table. The mother was distraught with grief. All the doctors and paramedics staff, were equally impacted by this sad incident in the operation theatre.

While everyone was trying their best to talk ,to the mother of the dead child and console her, one of the doctors hugged her tightly ,for two minutes and did not speak a word. This was soothing and brought tears to the mother’s eyes and all the other people surrounding her.

This ,in my view ,is empathy in action. Empathy has to be internalised in all of us. It has to come naturally from within us. This doctor realised that no words can console a mother, who has lost her child. Her natural reaction as a mother herself ,was to share the grief ,by giving her the warmest hug of her life. This act of kindness and empathy ,brought the situation under control.

A great lesson in empathy ,can be learnt from this incident. We all express our emotions ,day in and out ,with family, friends or colleagues at work. We are not aware of how our actions or emotions, impacts others. If we become aware and do our best ,to neutralise the negative impact of our emotions, it can go a long way.

It could be hugging a person in distraught. It could be just shaking hands with a person ,after a heated exchange. It could be saying sorry or seeking forgiveness for our misbehaviour, with a friend or a colleague at work. All these actions are actually displaying empathy, in action.

We need to realise ,that people always remember the way we treated them. They may even forget, what we did for them. I remember ,once a junior colleague narrating a personal incident. When she was going through a personal crisis in life, a senior colleague used to sit down and listen to her issue ,every day without fail and ask if she could help in any way. While the matter was personal, this act of kindness and empathy by her senior ,taught her a great lesson in life.

We need to become aware of our words and actions in everyday life and how it impacts others. Then ,we need to consciously take ,corrective action to assuage ,any negative impact on others, through our own response to them. This will not only help us, evolve as good human beings ,but also help others to get over ,any negativity in their lives.

Let us learn to practise empathy in our everyday lives.

S Ramesh Shankar

5th July 2025