I was listening to an old hindi song today evening and it touched my heart. The lyrics says -“ I am not angry with you “Life”, “I am baffled”. As I listened to this song and many incidents of my life mirrored before me and I was reflective in thoughts.

India was always proud of family as a social institution. Our epics taught us to treat Mother as God, Father as God, Teacher as God and Guests as God”. Today we are keen to run away from our parents in search of our goals in life. I would not say anything wrong in finding your own meaning in life. But to forget your living parents and putting them in old age homes may not be the best way to repay our debts to them. Many children think that if they send money and put them in elder care centres they have done their duties.

Imagine as young kids if our parents had put us in boarding pre-schools and led their own lives how our life would have been. They never let us go anywhere. They sacrificed their lives for our welfare. They missed their meals sometimes to keep us well fed and healthy. They sacrificed their families and career to ensure the best of academics and overall growth for us.

Today when I have grown up and am well set in life, I am happy that I am financially independent and can support them. We do not realise that they are not necessarily looking for our financial support. They are looking for love, affection and care. If we are in any trouble even today, they will still be the first to come to our rescue. But in spite of this, we think that they need to take care of themselves and we are happy supporting them only through money or an occasional call. It could be just a video call from a distant land.

I want to share two stories of close friends in my circle. In the first case, the mother of my friend is suffering from a life threatening disease. She is being treated in a hospital in Bangalore and my friend and his sister live in Europe while his parents live in Bangalore. His mother is being treated and taken care by his father. Their son and daughter could not visit them during Covid, which one can understand. But, the fact that they have not visited them even after Covid is not preventing international travel, baffles me.

The second incident is of my friend, who had a kidney failure and was admitted in Mumbai. He had two sons and both are well educated and settled abroad. My friend was being treated and supported by his spouse since 2020. His sons could not visit him due to Covid but did not get leave or time even after that. One of the sons came to visit him this year when this friend was admitted for a by pass surgery and died subsequently. Now his mother is not interested in going with either of her sons as she feels that when they did not have time to take care of their ailing father, they need not waste their time in looking after a healthy mother.

Life comes a full circle. We may think money can buy everything in life . But Covid taught us we cannot. Money cannot buy peace, health or happiness. We may get away by ignoring our parents or elders who gave us everything of their prime lives to make us what we are today but we have forgotten those days. We may be quantifying their contributions in monetary terms and may be trying to pay back.

Tomorrow when we grow old and our children walk away, wisdom may dawn us or it may not. But life will not be same again. Our parents will live only in photo frames and not in flesh and blood. We may not be able to cry for all that we could not do for them. They lived life on their own terms and left us with zero debts in spite of all their struggles of life. We may be affluent in money terms but the emotional debts may go with us to our graves.

I sometimes wonder why life is so cruel on us. It impacts people who are always serving others. A classic example is that of a leading playback singer who was singing songs on demand from those suffering from covid to make them cheerful. The irony is that he was infected with covid and succumbed to it in a hospital. Can life be more cruel than that ?

Let us learn from our epics and remember to respect and care for all elders and friends who made us what we are today. We need to remember that tomorrow becomes an yesterday for all of us and we may get back what we do for others today.

Is it time to reflect ?

S Ramesh Shankar

25th March 2023

We all grow up with some role models in our lives. We dream and aspire for something and most of the time it is driven by the environment around us. I remember I lived in an army campus and then studied in a school located within an Air force station and this made me dream of being an Army officer and then a pilot.

As you grow up these dreams fade away as fast as they first appear in your lives. Although I still admire and salute the Army and Air Force personnel, I moved on to pursue my career as a HR professional. There is nothing right or wrong about these choices in life.

Similarly, we look up to role models in the family and people around us. Sometimes film personalities or even sportspersons inspire us to be like them. We try to make our hairstyle and even dress sense like the role models we admire in life. This is mostly when are transitioning between adolescence and adulthood.

As we become an adult, we realise that there is huge gap between our real world and the illusory world we were dreaming of. Now we suddenly start feeling our feet on the ground and become clearer on what we want to do in life.

Our ability to define our own life becomes more refined. At this stage, we realise that we are fully capable of living our own lives, our own way. However, some of us continue to live in an imaginary world and still try to ape others and want to be like them always.

There may be nothing wrong in admiring the best in class and learning from them in our lives. However there is a subtle difference between learning from the best and just aping their styles. In my view, it is better to live life our way, rather than try to live the life of others.

Our parents, teachers, friends and relatives may help us mould our lives. However, it is for us to cast our own mould and make ourselves fit into that mould. It is perfectly fine to recast the mould from time to time and refine our priorities in life. Nobody else knows us better than ourselves.

However to live and imitate the life of others is a waste of our own time and resources. If we try to imitate others and try to be like them it may be like an illusion. It may be like a mirage, which will disappear sooner than later in our own lives.

Life is like a marathon. We may need to live life one day at a time. Our goals and priorities in life will change with age and our circumstances. This is perfectly human and we need to accept this reality. It is great to look around and learn from the best. But, it may not be a great idea to imitate others.

If we look around the world in any field, the best of people have defined their own lives. They are not bothered of what the world thinks of them, but they make the world think that may want to be like them.

It may be time to live life our way from today.

S Ramesh Shankar

12th March 2023

All of us feel good that we play a significant role in our own lives. We may have great responsibilities at home and also play a vital role at work or our own business. However, at some stage of life we start believing that the world may not have existed before us and may become extinct after we depart.

This may not be true in reality. At home, we start believing that we are the fulcrum of the family and similarly at the work place we think, everything may come to a stand still the day we are not around. Let us examine this and do a reality check through some real life examples.

Let us examine it from the family perspective. As a parent ( mother or father), we may be thinking that we steer the family and shoulder all responsibilities till some day our children grow up and we realise that they do not need our support to lead their lives independently. Now, they may feel the same and believe that without them the family cannot move forward till they get married and have kids who grow up and make them redundant for their survival and growth in life.

Our work life is no different. Many of us may have grown from junior to middle and and senior levels of management and would have shouldered significant responsibilities. The day we start believing that we are indispensable , our learning and growth may come to a standstill. The likelihood of a downfall from this stage is more than any future growth in life or career.

This phenomenon I have referred is a false imagination of one’s importance in life. While I am not saying that each of us do not have a vital role to play in our own lives and work but if we start believing that life did not exist before us or may not be there after us we are living in a fool’s paradise.

We always have to live with humility and be grounded. Life has been there before us and will prosper after we leave this mortal world. Our ability to make ourselves dispensable in life and work will make us more respected. Our ability to delegate and share responsibilities in the family and the workplace will make us more valuable than the other way around.

The more we share, the more we learn. Our value has to be felt in our absence not by our inability to develop our family or team members but our ability to make them self reliant. Learning is a life long journey. The day we start believing that we have arrived and there is no further need to learn, it could be the beginning of our end.

The best leaders are those who leave when people may ask – “ Why now ?” They will not wait for someone to ask – “ Why not now ?”. It is like the world champion players retire when they are at the peak of performance and not when they may get dropped from the team for lack of performance or leadership.

Let us believe life does not begin or end with us.

S Ramesh Shankar

11th March 2023

All of us go through ups and downs in our lives. Irrespective of our age and occupation, it is natural to experience highs and lows for everyone in their life. Our life is always like a wave on the sea shore. There would be crests and troughs and we need to learn to deal with both of them.

Some of us experience lows in our personal life or career and get very disturbed by it. It is natural to feel bad when you go through a low in your life. After all, each of us want to enjoy our life every day ,in whatever way we like to. However, when a trough hits us, it is like a unanticipated tsunami.

The universal truth is that ,everyone in this world ,will go through these cycles of life. There will be some days when we feel we are on top of the Himalayas and other days when we may feel like an ostrich and want to put our head under the sand.

The first step in such situations is “acceptance” of the reality. In today’s world, the overwhelming social media has denied most of us of good friends in life, whom we could talk to and confide. In today’s world, psychiatric diseases are as prevalent as physical ones. If we accept, we have a problem, then we can easily solve it.

We do not hesitate to go to a doctor to treat cough, cold or fever. then, why we do hesitate to go to a psychiatrist ,when are feeling low mentally. It is as simple as that. A medical doctor treats a physical disease and a psychiatrist treats a mental illness. Just like our body has breakdowns in the form of fever or pain etc ,so does our mind have issues like depression or sleeplessness etc.

Our everyday life today is becoming hectic and sometimes we make it more complicated by our own deeds. We have to believe that we are the masters of our own destiny. We have to decide how our life has to be ? What is the right pace to follow and when to start or stop something ?

Even at the workplace, we have to decide what is the right balance between work and life. We have to decide what is the nature of work we want to do and how much we want to ? If we feel over stressed at work, it is worthwhile to consult a psychiatrist just like we would consult a doctor if we get a pain in the leg.

Similarly in our personal lives, if we continually feel low for no predictable reason, we need to consult a psychiatrist to understand what we need to do ,to manage it. Everything in life is under our direct control. The steering of our lives has always to be in our own hands. If we allow others to use our steering, then we have nobody else to blame than ourselves.

Life is seldom black or white. It is mostly grey. But we can convert it into black or white ,by taking control of our own lives. We can seek the help of family or friends, who are willing to listen to us. We can seek the help of doctors, social workers, counsellors or psychiatrists when the need arises.

Lets steer our life always and determine our destiny.

S Ramesh Shankar

16th February 2023

 

I love sunsets. I can spend hours watching the sunset and taking photos. If you ask me the reasons for the same, I may not have many but it is mesmerising.

Similarly, most of us are overjoyed at the birth of a child. As the child grows ,we enjoy different stages of growth of the child. As an adult, we leave them alone to lead their own lives. Then ,it is the twilight hours for everyone in life.

Some of us are ready to enjoy the twilight years, while others are afraid to face this reality of life. As we age, our physical fitness is put to test and mentally, our memory fades. This is yet another stage of life and we need to prepare for the same ,so as to enjoy it.

I recollect a colleague of mine calling me desperately one day and wanted to discuss with him on something important. I readily agreed and we fixed a date and time ,to meet. To my surprise, he wanted to share his fear of his impending retirement. He was not ready for it and felt that he will not be able to manage his expenses with his savings.

I was surprised, as this colleague of mine had almost spent four decades in the organisation and was a finance professional. He had two sons and both were well educated and settled in life. When asked to explain his source of fear, he said that his savings is not enough for his post retirement expenses.

All of us know on the day we start our career in any organisation, when we are going to retire. It is mentioned in our appointment letter itself. We know what are the expenses ,at every stage of our lives. We need to plan and save for the future ,as much as our present. If we do a reasonably good job, then there is no need to be afraid of our sunset years.

I told him that I would also retire almost at the same time and I was looking forward to the same. Most of us have spent our most productive years working. We need to ensure right through our lives ,that we spend less than what we earn and have a regular savings habit.

We need to prepare for our retirement and post retirement life, as we plan for everything else in life. The best time to enjoy our lives is during our post retirement phase of life. We can live all our passions and travel around the world. We can read, write, travel, listen to music and just do nothing to listen to the sounds of nature.

Another important factor to prepare for our twilight years is our physical and mental fitness. We need to develop our own routine to keep fit. It could be a simple walk, yoga or playing a game of our choice every day. This helps us to be physically and mentally fit.

The last factor which can help us enjoy our twilight years is our attitude of gratitude. We may have had a happy family life, a successful career and a great circle of friends and relatives, who have enabled us to be successful in life. Now, is the time to give back. We need to acknowledge each of the individuals or groups of people, who have been by our side during our tougher days.

It is at this stage of life, we can give back to society ,for all that we have gained from it. We need to give back without expecting anything in return. We could donate our clothes, utensils, appliances which we do not use or artefacts. Our ability to share our physical and mental wealth ,with the world at large ,will make us happier.

We can share our knowledge by writing articles, mentoring students and young professionals or even teaching in a school. This could be our way to give back for all that we have earned in our lives, where others contributed to our prosperity.

The sunset years of our lives have to be lived in gratitude and thankfulness ,to everyone who contributed to our life and living.

S Ramesh Shankar

28th March 2023

 

 

 

We tend to to accumulate a lot material and non material things all through our lives. Some we may use and some we may never. However, our possessiveness is addictive and remains a part of us right through our lives. If we learn to let go, we may be better off.

Life is no different. We tend to assimilate a lot of emotions and baggage right through our lives. Some may be good to retain and others may not. Life is all about balancing between what we need to hold on and what need to let go.

We have a tendency to hold on to all things which we don’t need and tend to let go of things we need. We remember and retain in our heads all the hurt inflicted on us right from our childhood. We dont forget the first thrashing we got from our parents or teachers. We vividly remember the fight at the playground with our friends

On the other hand, we forget the first gift we got from our parents. The appreciation we got from our teachers and the support we got from our friends. This way our emotional bank is full of debits rather than some credits.

We need to learn the art of balancing in life. If our credits equates our debits, life will be evenly paced. However, when our debits outnumber our credits, life becomes treacherous. We tend to fall prey to a cycle of misery and start believing that God is unfair to us.

Let us look at how to balance between holding on and letting go from some real life incidents from our own lives. I am sharing from some of my life experiences. You may have had some similar experiences or seen some incidents around you.

The first experience was when I was deeply hurt by a relative of mine. My father was in the ICU and the doctors told me that he may not survive if we don’t do dialysis twice a week. The cost of dialysis twice a week was almost double of my monthly salary. I requested this relative of mine for some loan to get over this crisis. Instead of helping me in crisis, he asked if it was necessary to do the dialysis at all. This relative was brought up like a child by my father during his childhood.

I carried this hurt in my heart for more than three decades till I attended a workshop where I learnt the joy of forgiveness. I did forgive him on that day and then this hurt changed into kindness in my heart. We may learn through life experiences what to hold on and when to let go.

Another incident was about my missing a school parade as a prefect. I was at school to lead the march past. We had a white uniform and was playing in the grounds before the march past. I slipped and soiled my white uniform. My friends advised me to go home and change and return for the march past. I did and since I cycled home and back, I was late and the deputy prefect was advised to lead in my absence. I missed an opportunity of a life time.

This incident haunted in my mind for years. One day I realised that I need to learn a lesson from this incident and move on in my life. So, I decided that I will never ever be late for any event in my life. I need to plan in such a way that such incidents do not recur in my life. I converted this guilt into a positive attribute in my life.

Life gives us multiple opportunities to hold on or let go. We tend to do the reverse of what is good for us. We let go of things which we need to hold on and also the other way around. If we learn to strike the right balance between the two, life would be more fulfilling.

Life is the fine art of balancing what to let go and what to hold on.

S Ramesh Shankar

28th January 2023

I read a quote which said – “ Speak only if it is more valuable than your silence.” But most of us practise it the other way around. We speak more than our silence. God has given us two ears and one mouth. But, in reality, we speak more than double of our silence.

Let us understand the power of silence. When we are silent, we do not hurt anyone. We do not talk when we are supposed to listen. We listen more actively as our mind is focussed on listening than on speaking.

On the other hand, while speaking, we do not listen actively. Our focus is on what we want to speak rather than what others are speaking. The noise of our speaking silences the talking of others. We sometimes miss the essence of what others are saying.

Some of the best examples of learning the art of silence is from kids and animals. Lets look at kids first. New born infants can speak only after they pass their first birthday. However, their communication with their parents especially the mother is to be seen to be believed. Their silence is louder than their words.

As they grow up they can speak but they use their silence to protest and get their things done from parents and siblings effectively. When a child does not speak, the parents are more concerned than when the kid is yelling.

On the other hand, animals especially pet dogs teach us great lessons on silence. We had a pet Labrador at home. She was very affectionate but would always protest more by her silence than her barking. If someone shouts at her or misbehaves, she may sulk and not eat food for hours till someone else cajoles her to eat.

Both children and animals teach us the power of silence. We need to learn to listen more than we speak. Silence is not only effective but helps us reflect and learn too. When we listen actively without speaking, we get to understand better. No wonder the popular quote goes as “Empty vessels make the most noise.”

The silence of the morning with birds chirping around makes us fresh all day. The evening silence on a full moon night makes us reflect and dream. The best of poets and authors become most productive when they are alone and in tune with nature. They can never give their best in a crowded market place.

We need to learn the power of silence and the value of our speech and use them appropriately to be most effective. We need to remember that on many occasions silence speaks louder than words.

Lets learn to be quiet when the world is noisy around us. Let us spread our wisdom more by our actions than our words. Let silence teach us more than the speeches given by others.

Let us learn to listen more to what is unsaid than what is being said. May be life could be more insightful.

S Ramesh Shankar

22nd Jan 2023

 

We play different roles in our personal and professional lives. At home, we play the roles of parents, children, siblings , cousins or relatives. At the workplace, we are employee, manager, colleague, customer or supplier in different roles.

We inherit some roles while others are imposed on us by virtue of position or time. Either way, our roles keep changing over time. Let us examine the roles we play in our personal lives and how it changes over time.

We are born as children in a family and then become siblings when we have brothers or sisters. We then get married and have spouse and also have our own children thereafter. As we become parents, we become mother or father and so the chain continues.

Similarly, we join an organisation as an employee and then become a colleague, boss, supplier or customer to another function. Each of these roles are by virtue of the position we hold or by virtue of time and changes which happen over time due to promotions, transfer, attrition etc.

Let us first try to understand how role conflicts occur in our personal lives. We as children , want all the freedom in our lives. But as we grow up and become senior members in the family , we want to boss over our younger siblings and tell them that freedom needs to be earned.

Then , as we grow as adolescents, we defy the control of our parents. When we become parents after getting married, we feel bad when our children defy our diktats.

We tend to rediscover our roles when role changes happen and we experience what we saw in others. What we thought was wrong becomes right for us and vice versa. Welcome to this new world of family.

The role conflicts in the organisation are no different. As an employee, many a time ,we feel that our bosses are peeking over our shoulders all the time and do not allow us to breathe. When we become bosses, we tend to do the same and realise why bosses always kept an eye on us. As supplier departments ,we feel the pressure of our customers and when the role reverses ,we fail to be empathetic to our suppliers.

Life is a full circle. We get back ,what we give others. We realise the value of different roles only when we experience them. Otherwise, we tend to believe that other role holders are there to disturb our life and living, and enjoy themselves.

Even in the public sphere, roles keep changing and reversing. Let us imagine a prime minister becoming a leader of the opposition and the reverse happening. As a leader of the opposition, we tend oppose everything irrespective of merit. But as Prime Minister, we want the opposition leader to support us , in all our initiatives.

Role conflicts are a part of our lives. We need to learn to experience roles and empathise with other roles to minimise such conflicts. The day we realise that our roles are transitory, we may evolve and grow as human beings. What goes around, comes around.

Let us learn to play roles and respect other roles to minimise role-conflicts in life. Our tomorrow could have been somebody’s yesterday and someone else’s today.

S Ramesh Shankar

15th February 2023

Marriage is the legal partnership between two individuals and accepted by society as a social institution. Both men and women study, grow, work and then look for partners in their lives. Some find them in their study place while others at the workplace. Parents find partners for those who are not able to find a partner for themselves.

Marriage is an equal partnership and built on mutual respect and love. It grows with age and ability to adapt to each other. Some marriages last their lifetime while others break over time ,due to lack of compatibility.

In the past ,partners stayed with each other and sacrificed their personal preferences for the larger good of the family and the children. This could have created a lot of hardship to either of the partners but they lived with these challenges. Today divorce is not a dirty word in our society and this is good. Incompatible partners are not forced to stay with one another for life ,even if they did not enjoy being with each other every day.

If we look back at marriage as a social institution ,especially in India, we realise that it has been a binding factor in the family. If we leave out those incompatible ones, who sacrificed their lives for their children’ sake, it has by and large been the glue ,between partners.

I sometimes wonder how some marriages last a life time and not others. If I look at my own marriage, I realise it has to be based on mutual trust and respect. We come from different families, social and academic backgrounds. It is our ability to learn and adapt which makes a marriage click.

Conflicts in marriage are an integral part. We start with a honey moon phase when everything looks hunky dory. Then as the family expands ,children arrive and responsibilities increase, there is bound to be difference of opinions and conflicts between all partners. It is not presence of conflicts which worry me , but the lack of patience and adaptability to deal with these conflicts.

In my view, it is better to separate and lead peaceful and happy lives rather than keep fighting every day and make life miserable for self and others ,in the process. Sometimes the flimsy reasons for divorce make me believe that we need marriage counsellors and family counsellors like in the west ,since joint families and seniors in the family do not play this role of mediation any more.

Family as an institution has already degenerated and in the future, marriage as a social institution ,may not exist in the current form. Over the last decade I have seen that one in three marriages that I have attended ,has failed. This is a scary statistic and I am not proud of it.

We have to prepare ourselves to live in a society where family and marriage are no longer sacrosanct social institutions. We may get new types of partnerships and also new types of families ,which may be different than the past definitions ,we are familiar with.

May be time to redefine “marriage” as a social institution and get ready to live in this new world.

S Ramesh Shankar

28th May 2022