I am not sure if man was born selfish or not. Many of us tend to be very selfish in every walk of our life. We are inconsiderate to others with or without realising the impact we create on people around us.

An individual’s selfishness may be tolerated within the family ,by parents and siblings ,for two reasons – one ,they do not have a choice but to tolerate and the other ,that they are magnanimous to us, as they want us to change in the future.

However, we may not get the same support from the society and the organisation, which we work for. Our neighbours may not be as considerate as our family members and so will be the case ,with our colleagues at work.

It may be worthwhile to realise the impact of our selfishness sooner than later ,to be successful in life. Just like no individual can succeed alone in life, no team will tolerate a selfish individual ,forever. If we do not change, we may have to fend for ourselves as individual players in family, society and organisations at large.

Now, if we move to communities and societies, we are tending to become more self centred without any consideration for others. This is reflected in the fact that ,today we do not know our neighbours as well as we did in the past. We are not concerned about anything happening around us ,unless it directly impacts us. The best example is that, there are not many volunteers to work for community or apartment associations.

If we move from societies to nations, the story is not very different. The most developed nations ,are the most selfish. For example, the developed nations of the world emit the maximum carbon emissions and then advise the world on climate change and carbon footprint, of other less developed nations.

If we look at this phenomenon of inconsiderate or selfish individuals communities and societies, we could come to the conclusion that this may be because, the unit of any society or nation is an individual, and unless the individual changes, this phenomenon will only multiply in the future.

If we look back at Indian villages, everyone in the village knew everyone else and if there was a problem for a villager, the whole village was there to support that individual to get over it. The villagers shared resources and volunteered to support each other, in any crisis or celebration ,in the family or the community.

Today, we are gradually alienating, members of our family itself. Joint families led to nuclear families and now nuclear families are leading to individuals in live in partnerships. So individuals are tending to get more individualistic in outlook and are not bothered about anyone around them in the family, community or society.

The impact of this alienation is already felt in society. We have more cases of depression and other psychiatric illnesses in society today. Relationships are weakening in families, societies and even between nations.

We need to get back to our roots to revive and transform the individual from a selfish to selfless person and thereby change societies and nations at large.

Let the journey begin with ourselves.

S Ramesh Shankar

6th Jan 2024

Today we live in a generation of working couples. Both spouses are well qualified and work in their respective areas of passion. In my view, both spouses working a great things as it brings in equity and financial independence for both.

Many young couple today defer their marriage since they are busy in pursuit of their passions and goals in life. It may be worthwhile for individuals to determine when they want to marry in life. It is an individual choice , although marrying at a relatively younger age after you settle down in your career may ,make your future easier and stabler.

Once couples get married, they do not want to have kids for fear of losing their freedom in life and the responsibility of rearing children. Another factor that comes into play is that ,today most couples live in nuclear families since they move away from their parents, in pursuit of their career goals.

While when to have a kid, is the exclusive prerogative of a young couple, it may be better to start early rather than late in life. How early has to be determined by the couple themselves ,so that they can own responsibility for their decision rather than being coaxed by their parents or elders in the family.

One of the biggest joys in life, is to become a parent. This joy is to be experienced to be believed. Although the mother goes through a lot of challenges during pregnancy and even post delivery, still the happiness of having a child overcomes all these difficulties.

During the first year of parenthood, both the parents have a tough time managing work and life. This becomes all the more challenging when both are working parents. Some of the ways to overcome these pangs of early parenthood could be :

A. Respect and learn from your parents : If the working couple is lucky to have parents from either side or both, they could respect and learn from them. If they could stay with you during this period, it could help you manage this stressful period with elan. However, one needs to remember that the young working parents should respect, care and learn from their parents rather than utilising them as nannies during this period of life and forgetting their value ,as the kid grows up.

B. Sharing responsibilities : Both the spouses need to share responsibilities of parenthood. It may be easier said than done. However, it can be practically evolved ,on what one is good at and enjoys doing. Neither partner should feel neglected or over burdened during this critical period of parenthood.

C. Pausing career aspirations: It is a fact that during this phase of one’s life, it may be tough to balance career and personal life. Both spouses may have to make sacrifices in their work and career to share this key responsibility as parents of a young child . It may be worthwhile to remember that our careers do not come to a halt if we take a break or take it easy during this period. Organisations are supportive, nowadays.

D. Maternity, Paternity & Child care leave: Most organisations today have policies to support maternity, paternity and child care. Both spouses should take the best benefit of these policies and not get cowed down by career dreams at this stage. The child’s future is more important than anything in our career, at this stage.

E. Sabbatical could be an option : Many organisations also have sabbatical policies and it may be worthwhile for either parent or even both to take a sabbatical during this phase of their parenthood. The early years of a child are the formative years and the parents make the best impressions on the child. This role of parents cannot be delegated to maids/servants or even parents, grand parents or other relatives or friends in your network.

The good news is that ,after the children cross a particular age, they become more independent and then one could re focus on their careers and life aspirations. The first few years of childhood are vital for a child’s growth and the development of their personalities.

It is very important to remember that the primary responsibility of rearing one’s children is that of both the parents. It is not the responsibility of your parents or grand parents.

If we think, we are not capable of shouldering this important responsibility in our lives, it may be worthwhile to review ,when one would like to have kids or not have kids at all. But thinking one could delegate this responsibility to elders or others ,to take care of your kids is a an act, which you may regret later ,in your lives.

The joy of parenthood begins with the birth of a child but can be fully realised ,only when we are willing and ready to shoulder the responsibilities of parenthood, which comes with this.

Let us learn to celebrate parenthood.

S Ramesh Shankar

9th Dec 2023

I have seen a lot of people admiring their Moms and Dads and writing about them. While some adore their Moms, others adore their Dads. I wondered what could be the differences between our Moms and Dads.

Being a Dad and having a wife, who is a Mom of two kids, I have experienced being a Dad myself. Further, I was fortunate to have my Mom and Dad in my life ,till I started working as a professional at the age of 22.

I will try to synthesise the differences between Moms and Dads and how they are perceived by the children. This may possibly help us understand the differences in their perceptions, as parents.

A Mom expresses her love through words and deeds. On the other hand, a Dad generally does not express much in words but conveys more by not saying much. A Dad’s actions may speak more than his words.

A Mom is always accessible and empathetic towards her children. A Dad is felt more by his absence and his behaviour. We may see Moms getting emotional at things happening around them. On the other hand, one may hardly see his Dad getting emotionally impacted.

When we are young, our Moms display compassion through their everyday actions. On the other hand, our Dad tries to discipline us, to make us stand on our own feet. While both compassion and discipline is important for our future, we may sometimes get overwhelmed by compassion or may rebel at being disciplined.

As children grow up, the mother becomes the emotional anchor in their lives and father becomes the life anchor. Children like to talk to their moms to complain about everyone in their lives and talk to their Dads when they need professional or personal advice. In some cases, this could be reverse of what is generally believed – Dad becomes the emotional anchor and Mom becomes the personal advisor in life.

The beauty of our lives is that we do not realise the value of our Mom or Dad till they are around. We suddenly realise how invaluable they were, when they are unfortunately not around us. This is not unique to any individual. This is a true tenet of life itself. We do not value something ,till we lose it.

A Mom listens first and speaks later.. Dads generally speak first and listen later. While some of us want others to always listen to us, others prefer listening to speaking. This makes us like our Mom or Dad ,as the situation we prefer.

Both Moms and Dads are invaluable to our lives. While one is like a friend and philosopher in life, the other may be an anchor on whom we rely on. We need both advice and refrain , at different stages in our lives.

As our children grow up, we need to realise that they also have become Moms and Dads in their own lives and can stand on their own feet. Like Vidhur had said in Mahabharat, an adult needs to be given advice only when asked. Both Moms and Dads realise at this stage of life to “let go” and let their children lead their own lives.

Whom do you prefer – Mom or Dad or both ?

S Ramesh Shankar

30th Nov 2023