Conflicts are an integral part of life. It could be within a family, with team members at the workplace or even between communities or nations. Conflicts basically arise when there is a misunderstanding or communication gap between two people or teams or even communities or nations.

I was reminded of a beautiful quote, I read long ago. It goes like this: “I know, you believe, you understand, what you think, I said. But I do not know whether you realise, that what you heard is not what I meant.”

The crux of the communication ,lies in the receiver getting the message in the same intent ,in which the sender intends, to give. However, there are a lot of barriers ,in between ,and this results in conflicts.

After spending my entire career in corporates ,working for multiple teams, I realise that one of the better ways of resolving a conflict, is to develop three basic skills ,in our lives :

A. Active Listening

B. Willingness to accept mistakes, and say sorry

C. Moving on

The first and most important skill ,one needs to develop ,is active listening. This may look simple, but in my view ,listening and that too active listening, is one of the most challenging skills to develop. Active listening would mean ,listening as if your whole world depends on, what the other person is about to say. We need to screen out ,all distractions and barriers ,and focus on what is being said ,so that there is no gap between ,what is communicated and what we listen.

The second skill is ,willingness to accept our mistakes. We generally believe ,that we do not make any mistakes and the whole world around us ,is erroneous ,most of the times. It may hugely benefit us ,if we are willing to subsume our egos and honestly and openly accept our mistakes. Every individual is internally aware ,when they have made a mistake. It is only our ego, which prevents us, from accepting our mistakes willingly. How do we learn to crush our egos and accept our mistakes ,unconditionally. Saying “sorry” would be the most difficult challenge in life ,always but if we are able to do it, most conflicts could get resolved ,even before we can imagine.

The third skill is ,our ability to move on in life. We tend to remember all the bad things of our life and easily forget the good things. It may help us immensely, if we are able to erase any incidents leading to conflicts and move on into the future. This requires a big heart but may be worth the effort. Life is definitely wholesome ,if we are willing to look into the future rather than worry about the past forever.

Apart from the above skills, we need to

A. Trust one another

B. Communicate authentically and openly

C. Be open to alternative solutions

Trust is earned by our actions and behaviour. It cannot be bought by money or the position we hold. People do not trust us because, we hold a position of power in family, society or even within an organisation. Trust is evolved by demonstrated action of the values, we preach others. Trust begets trust. If we trust others unconditionally, they would trust us too. But trust is lost at the first loss of faith ,due to a gap between what we say and do.

Communication is always the key ,in conflict resolution. In most situations, silence speaks louder than words. Each one expects the other person ,to take the initiative. It is here ,that we have to show magnanimity. Let us learn to bury our ego and take the first step to communicate. The more we communicate, the more we move towards solution of a problem. This supplemented by patience, and perseverance will yield us to the ultimate goal.

The last aspect is ,openness to alternative solutions. We tend to limit ourselves to our own thinking. Our mindset appears to be cast in stone, in most such situations of conflict. If we are willing to be open to alternative and innovative solutions to a problem, which could be at variance to our own thought processes, the solution could emerge faster ,than we think.

The key to conflict resolution is listening, accepting our mistakes and moving on. This when supplemented by mutual trust, authentic communication and openness to alternative options ,will resolve conflicts amicably always.

Let the journey of discovery start today

S Ramesh Shankar

7th Jan 2024

 

I am not sure if man was born selfish or not. Many of us tend to be very selfish in every walk of our life. We are inconsiderate to others with or without realising the impact we create on people around us.

An individual’s selfishness may be tolerated within the family ,by parents and siblings ,for two reasons – one ,they do not have a choice but to tolerate and the other ,that they are magnanimous to us, as they want us to change in the future.

However, we may not get the same support from the society and the organisation, which we work for. Our neighbours may not be as considerate as our family members and so will be the case ,with our colleagues at work.

It may be worthwhile to realise the impact of our selfishness sooner than later ,to be successful in life. Just like no individual can succeed alone in life, no team will tolerate a selfish individual ,forever. If we do not change, we may have to fend for ourselves as individual players in family, society and organisations at large.

Now, if we move to communities and societies, we are tending to become more self centred without any consideration for others. This is reflected in the fact that ,today we do not know our neighbours as well as we did in the past. We are not concerned about anything happening around us ,unless it directly impacts us. The best example is that, there are not many volunteers to work for community or apartment associations.

If we move from societies to nations, the story is not very different. The most developed nations ,are the most selfish. For example, the developed nations of the world emit the maximum carbon emissions and then advise the world on climate change and carbon footprint, of other less developed nations.

If we look at this phenomenon of inconsiderate or selfish individuals communities and societies, we could come to the conclusion that this may be because, the unit of any society or nation is an individual, and unless the individual changes, this phenomenon will only multiply in the future.

If we look back at Indian villages, everyone in the village knew everyone else and if there was a problem for a villager, the whole village was there to support that individual to get over it. The villagers shared resources and volunteered to support each other, in any crisis or celebration ,in the family or the community.

Today, we are gradually alienating, members of our family itself. Joint families led to nuclear families and now nuclear families are leading to individuals in live in partnerships. So individuals are tending to get more individualistic in outlook and are not bothered about anyone around them in the family, community or society.

The impact of this alienation is already felt in society. We have more cases of depression and other psychiatric illnesses in society today. Relationships are weakening in families, societies and even between nations.

We need to get back to our roots to revive and transform the individual from a selfish to selfless person and thereby change societies and nations at large.

Let the journey begin with ourselves.

S Ramesh Shankar

6th Jan 2024

Today we live in a generation of working couples. Both spouses are well qualified and work in their respective areas of passion. In my view, both spouses working a great things as it brings in equity and financial independence for both.

Many young couple today defer their marriage since they are busy in pursuit of their passions and goals in life. It may be worthwhile for individuals to determine when they want to marry in life. It is an individual choice , although marrying at a relatively younger age after you settle down in your career may ,make your future easier and stabler.

Once couples get married, they do not want to have kids for fear of losing their freedom in life and the responsibility of rearing children. Another factor that comes into play is that ,today most couples live in nuclear families since they move away from their parents, in pursuit of their career goals.

While when to have a kid, is the exclusive prerogative of a young couple, it may be better to start early rather than late in life. How early has to be determined by the couple themselves ,so that they can own responsibility for their decision rather than being coaxed by their parents or elders in the family.

One of the biggest joys in life, is to become a parent. This joy is to be experienced to be believed. Although the mother goes through a lot of challenges during pregnancy and even post delivery, still the happiness of having a child overcomes all these difficulties.

During the first year of parenthood, both the parents have a tough time managing work and life. This becomes all the more challenging when both are working parents. Some of the ways to overcome these pangs of early parenthood could be :

A. Respect and learn from your parents : If the working couple is lucky to have parents from either side or both, they could respect and learn from them. If they could stay with you during this period, it could help you manage this stressful period with elan. However, one needs to remember that the young working parents should respect, care and learn from their parents rather than utilising them as nannies during this period of life and forgetting their value ,as the kid grows up.

B. Sharing responsibilities : Both the spouses need to share responsibilities of parenthood. It may be easier said than done. However, it can be practically evolved ,on what one is good at and enjoys doing. Neither partner should feel neglected or over burdened during this critical period of parenthood.

C. Pausing career aspirations: It is a fact that during this phase of one’s life, it may be tough to balance career and personal life. Both spouses may have to make sacrifices in their work and career to share this key responsibility as parents of a young child . It may be worthwhile to remember that our careers do not come to a halt if we take a break or take it easy during this period. Organisations are supportive, nowadays.

D. Maternity, Paternity & Child care leave: Most organisations today have policies to support maternity, paternity and child care. Both spouses should take the best benefit of these policies and not get cowed down by career dreams at this stage. The child’s future is more important than anything in our career, at this stage.

E. Sabbatical could be an option : Many organisations also have sabbatical policies and it may be worthwhile for either parent or even both to take a sabbatical during this phase of their parenthood. The early years of a child are the formative years and the parents make the best impressions on the child. This role of parents cannot be delegated to maids/servants or even parents, grand parents or other relatives or friends in your network.

The good news is that ,after the children cross a particular age, they become more independent and then one could re focus on their careers and life aspirations. The first few years of childhood are vital for a child’s growth and the development of their personalities.

It is very important to remember that the primary responsibility of rearing one’s children is that of both the parents. It is not the responsibility of your parents or grand parents.

If we think, we are not capable of shouldering this important responsibility in our lives, it may be worthwhile to review ,when one would like to have kids or not have kids at all. But thinking one could delegate this responsibility to elders or others ,to take care of your kids is a an act, which you may regret later ,in your lives.

The joy of parenthood begins with the birth of a child but can be fully realised ,only when we are willing and ready to shoulder the responsibilities of parenthood, which comes with this.

Let us learn to celebrate parenthood.

S Ramesh Shankar

9th Dec 2023