Category: Emotions/Relationships

Fights

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It is quite common to end up fighting with your siblings as a kid. We all have done it and the kids of tomorrow would do it. We feel it is fully justified when we did it but a bit immature when your neighbouring kids fight with each other. Fights could be over sharing a meal or even sillier an issue than that but it does happen. It’s fun to see children fight and then end up playing together as if nothing happened.

It is funny when adults fight. The most common occurrence is between spouses. All of us who are married would have experienced it umpteen times in our own lives. Most of the time when you look back on the issue on which you end up fighting, it is quite silly. But our ego does not allow us to give in. Each of us stand by our own stance and are not willing to compromise. Only time heals the issue or sometimes a mediator becomes necessary.

Another dimension of a fight is when teams on a play ground end up fighting with each other. Everyone agrees that sport is the best way to build comradeship but when two teams end up fighting on a play field, it is not sporty. It generally starts with an argument and sometimes ends up in a fist fight or even a riot on the field. Physical injuries apart from emotional distress are the only outcomes.

The worst dimension of a fight is when it happens between communities, societies or nations. It can be over sharing of waters of a common river flowing through them. It could be over boundaries and demarcation lines between them. It could be due to failed commitments. Whatever be the issue, it starts with a small flare up and then ends up almost like a battle or a war.

The interesting aspect in all types of fights is that “Ego” of individuals is the root cause. Kids do not like to give up their space and fight for their rights. Adults never want to compromise. They are willing to give up their values to protect their ego. Communities and nations fight with each other because of a ego conflict of their political leaders. Any fight could be nipped in the bud if we are willing to “let go” of our egos.

The best example is given by kids. While they end up fighting at the drop of a pin, they are also willing to forgive and forget at the shortest possible time. Adults as individuals have more inflated egos and hence take more time and efforts to give in. Teams suffer from clash of individual egos and team prestige. It takes time and effort from more than one individual in a team to resolve conflicts between them. Nations fight on prestige and false sense of supremacy. It takes months or even years to settle an international dispute between nations.

My learning is that fights may be inevitable. But, it may be a good idea to learn from children. While it may be normal to end up with a dispute, it may need a lot of guts to give up our ego. We need to give in and be willing to compromise and move on. There is no dispute on the earth, which cannot be resolved by sitting across the table and sorting out. We need to be willing to give up our egos as individuals, teams or communities.

Fights are quite common between spouses as seen in the photo above. We may not talk for days but need to learn to resolve it between us.

Another interesting learning can be from animals. I have never seen two animals fight and never give up. After the fight is over, they move on and are willing to live together again. The most common sight is that of street dogs. They may end up in a fight over food. But as soon as that is over, they end up playing with each other and move on in their life.

It is time to learn to give up our “Ego”

S Ramesh Shankar

Hurt

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I always wonder why some people do not realise how much they hurt others by their words and deeds. Today I heard of an incident where someone’s mother was admitted in a hospital and was recovering. One of her relatives who came in to see her mother instead of encouraging and consoling her, told her unabashedly that you are wasting your money on her treatment since your mother is not going to live long.

I was shocked and dismayed even to hear this incident. First of all this relative was not a doctor. Secondly, she was neither supporting this person financially nor emotionally to treat her mother. Then, I fail to understand what pleasure a person can get to make such unforgivable statements especially to a daughter attending on her mother in a hospital. You can hurt someone unknowingly and it is forgivable but if someone hurts you knowingly what do you do ?

I do understand all of us end up hurting people around us by our words or deeds some way . We may not realise it as and when it happens. However, we do regret when we realise it and seek forgiveness from the person we have hurt or from God for our cruel behaviour. In this instance, the relative was her aunt. It is beyond my imagination to even think of why people behave this way. I can understand how deeply hurt this person may have felt.

We are brought up by our parents and they sacrifice everything in life to give us comfort and joy in life. They never think twice before spending money on you for your betterment. As we grow up, our parents get old and sometimes they do fall sick and become immobile. It is at this time we need to think of how we can serve our parents. We can never in our life time repay the non financial debt of service our parents have rendered to us. In my view, it is a sin even to think of not treating them well.

In this case, the relative who made these scandalous statements was her mother’s sibling. Her mother had been like a mother to her since the age gap between them is quite a lot and her mother had died at a young age. So instead of being grateful to her and helping the family financially or otherwise to treat her mother, this person ends up making such regrettable statements. I will never recommend that we should even make such statements for our enemies if we are human beings.

All of us are materialistic in life and we accumulate wealth during our youth to take care of ourselves in our old age. We need to realise that serving our elders is a rare opportunity God provides to some of us in our life time. We cannot afford to miss this opportunity. We need to consider it our privilege and honour to serve our parents and take care of them when they need us most.

If we think spending money on our parents or elders hospitalisation is waste of money just because they are old and immobile today, we are inhuman in thought and action. We have to realise that all of us will grow old some day and imagine our children thinking the same way and leaving you in a hospital unattended because they think spending money on your treatment is not a wise thing to do.

Some of us realise our mistakes in our life time. It is possible that some of us never realise it in this life time. Hence, I understand why the Hindu religion says that human being has seven births. This may be because God gives us six more chances to repent for our errors in life. I pray to God that all of us treat our elders with respect and dignity. We treat them the way we want to be treated by our children in the future.

Hurt is like the the shedding of the leaves by the trees during autumn. When someone hurts you, you feel barren like the trees may feel when their leaves shrug off.

Let us learn to forgive such inhuman humans and pray to God that he will bestow them with wisdom in this life or the next.

S Ramesh Shankar

Emotional Dustbin


We may consider the dustbin as the least attractive place in the house or office as we end up throwing all that we do not want in life. However, we do not realize how valuable the dust bin is as it relentlessly accepts all our garbage we throw into it.  I was wondering how valuable the dustbin is in our life.  In life, you always want people around you, who are willing to listen to all your outpouring.  We may call them the emotional dustbin.

  I had a colleague of mine in one of the earlier organizations I worked who ( in the photo above) symbolised the emotional dustbin.  He was easily accessible and was always willing to listen to the feelings of everyone around him.  I have seen him from morning to night listening to people and enabling them to outpour their emotions.  This is not an easy task.  One may get emotionally discharged if we keep listening to others sorrow all the time.

  However, in life, we all need an emotional dustbin.  As we grow up, it is generally our parents and in most cases our mother or an elder sibling, who plays the role of the emotional dustbin.  We can pour our emotions on them endlessly.  They have the patience and perseverance to listen to us and tolerate our non sense too.  It is this ability of a person, which makes him or her adorable.

This is equally true for us as parents at home. As our kids grow up, our patience tends to diminish. While all of us wait for our child to speak the first word in the world, we want to shut up the child as he grows up. We cannot tolerate the continuous muttering of our child. Then adosclent children tend to test our patience. Their rebellious nature challenges our emotions and we refuse to give in. It is at this stage, our listening skills are put to test.  

In the organisational context, most people managers are not good at listening.  We need to realize that our team members are people with emotions.  Our ability to enable our colleagues to share their joy and sorrow with equal measure will help us grow as a leader.  We need to learn to be like the emotional dustbin.  In most situations, we may silence our colleagues by our inability to be good listeners.  

  As adults, we always get along better with people who are active listeners.  We like their company as we can share whatever we feel like.  We pick friends and colleagues at work or life, who are willing to invest their time in us.  We are impatient with people who are restless.  While we want to liberally share our feelings, we are not equally excited when others want to do the same with us.

  In the cycle of life, we all are emotional people.  Some of us hide our emotions and find it difficult to express them till we lose control.  While others look for people around them all the time so that they can freely express themselves.  It is true that all of us want to share with others many a time.  It is easier to share with others and make them listen to your feelings and emotions.  However, it is difficult the other way around.

  May be it is time to realize that the dustbin is invaluable and human being as an emotional dustbin in life is the most valuable in our lives.

  Is it time to emote ?

S Ramesh Shankar