Category: Emotions/Relationships

How to build relationships/partnerships ?

We wonder many a time what makes relationship work and partnerships click !. There may not be a magic wand with anyone to make this happen. So I decided to reflect on this subject based on my personal experiences of great relationships and partnerships in my career and life.

I have introspected my life long partnership with my spouse. I have also thought about great colleagues at work and also suppliers and customers with whom I have partnered and delivered great results. To my surprise, I found that the basis of all relationships whether personal or official were similar.

I have distilled five critical conditions to make a relationship/partnership work. They are “Unconditionality”, “Mutual-respect”, “Give & take”, “Let go” and “Open & flexible”. While they may not be listed in any order of preference, each of them are critical for the success of a partnership and building of a relationship.

I will dwell on each of the conditions and try to illustrate with an example of how to apply it and make it work. All my examples are based on my personal life experiences although I do not mention names of people involved to protect their privacy.

The first condition of “Unconditionality” can best be explained by explaining the relationship with your spouse. I have been married for 38 years and still counting. Although we have had our own share of joy, sorrow and tiffs, our relationship has grown and matured over the years. This is primarily due to this condition of “Unconditionality”. We do not live or relate based on any terms and conditions. Our reactions are spontaneous and straight from the heart. We enjoy together and fight easily but have the resolve to mutually resolve all differences by ourselves.

The second factor is of “Mutual respect”. I worked with a consultant two decades back on a project. Although we met for the first time as a supplier and a customer this relationship has evolved and grown into a life long friendship due to immense mutual respect we have for each other. I have not yet met a person, who is more knowledgable than him on his subject and still he deals with me with utmost respect and dignity.

The next factor is “Give & take”. When I joined a particular organisation in my career, I realised that our relationship with the unions was not very cordial. Both the union and management filed atleast one case against each other every month. I wanted to transform this relationship and volunteered not only to stop filing cased against the unions but also volunteered to withdraw all pending cases and sit across the table and resolve it cordially through discussions except for violence or unethical conducts by employees. The union reciprocated willingly and till the end of my tenure in this organisation we did not have a single case filed against each other.

The fourth factor is to “Let go”. Most of us carry our grudge for years, if not decades and this prevents us from “letting go” or forgiving someone. The art of forgiving can heal a relationship and build foundations for a great rebuilding of a broken partnership or a relationship. I have experienced this in many personal relationships, which would have ruined , if not for my or someone else’s magnanimity to “let go”.

The last factor is being “Open & flexible”. We drive ourselves to a dead end in most relationships or partnership , as we refuse to be flexible and adaptive and open to feedback and change. If we can build this into our day to day life , relationships would be enriched and partnerships sustainable. The best example I can think of is when teams start fighting on the playground over a silly fowl. It could sometimes even lead to physical tiff and violence. Just being open and flexible to accept a genuine mistake by the players or the referee , could build great relationships.

It may be worthwhile to try these five mantras to build great relationship/partnerships in our lives.

S Ramesh Shankar

4th Feb 2023

When people take your goodness for granted ???

In my long corporate career, one question I have not yet found an answer to is when people ask me – “Do you need to continue to be good to people, even if they take your goodness for granted “. Honestly, I have not yet found the response but I would still take the risk of saying – please continue to be good to people since if they do not reciprocate it is their problem, not yours.

I recall once a CEO told me that he was very kind and affectionate to his staff. However, he finds that his driver and some other staff take him for granted. He noticed that both his predecessor and successor did not treat their staff with respect but they were never taken for granted. This may be true in many instances in life – both within family circles, with friends and in society at large. But I would still recommend, let us be good to others the way we want others to be good to us.

I should confess that I cannot claim that I have the virtues of Mahatma Gandhi, who could forgive even his worst enemies. Gandhi believed forgiveness is Godliness. I am less human than Gandhi but I can profess that being good to others ultimately brings you good things in life.

I can share at least two real life experiences, which have reinforced my belief that being good to others irrespective of their being not considerate to you, could be difficult but worth trying. I recall once one of my senior colleagues did something unpardonable to me. I was hurt and distraught but realised that I had done no wrong. So I decided to forgive him and move on in my career and continued to be good to him. He faced one of the most difficult situations in his personal life after this incident. God has his own way of dealing with people who treat you unfairly. This senior came back to me after this incident and sought my help for some issue to which I responded positively.

In the second instance, another senior colleague almost misbehaved with me for no fault of mine in front of my boss. I was deeply hurt but decided to forget the incident and move on in life and my career. This person met with a serious road accident and was bed ridden for almost a year. So God finds his own way to give feedback to people, who treat others with disdain. Inspite of the unpardonable behaviour of my senior colleague, I called the person concerned and enquired about his health.

Incidences like these may happen both in personal and professional life. We all feel hurt and annoyed as well and it is human to feel that way. However, if we are honest and believe we had not made any mistake, we need to learn to forgive such indecent human beings and move on in life. God takes care of them in his own way and teaches them life lessons.

Our ability to believe in ourselves and being honest to ourself and people around us is important. This gives us the moral courage and authority to move on and forgive the unforgivable. Some things in life are challenging although can be dealt with in a human way. Our ability to forgive and forget helps us get back on track.

One of the best quotes I have heard is -“To err is human, to forgive divine”.

Lets keep trying

S Ramesh Shankar

Ten golden rules for a successful marriage

I have been married for almost four decades now. I did marry a girl of my choice with the consent of our parents. However, whether it is a love or an arranged marriage, it may not survive unless both partners agree on same basic principles of life.

I have tried to distil my life experiences of my own marriage and other successful marriages of friends and relatives, which I have witnessed so that we can continue to learn and refine these principles of life.

I am calling them the ten golden rules for a successful marriage. I am not suggesting that it may work for everyone. However, you could consider this as the starting point and evolve your own principles of life, which may work for you.

1. Trust : Trust is not given or taken, it is earned. We can earn trust of others by our deeds and actions and not our words. Nobody believes what you say but they do admire you for what you do. Marriage is no different. Each partner will trust the other when they see actions, which reflect the intent of the person and not mere words.

2. Mutual respect : One needs to respect each other every day and in every possible way. Each of us are different and may have different qualifications and abilities. The fact that we have agreed to be partners in life bestows the responsibility in us to respect one another. Respect has to given first and earned later.

3. Give and take : Marriage is an equal opportunity partnership. It is a give and take relationship. Whether it is sharing of responsibilities at home or fulfilling one’s obligations as a partner, it is always give and take. We need to learn to give first and take later. It may also be important to mention that give and take does not mean it is a contractual relationship. It is a partnership and the responsibility to make it win win lies on both the partners.

4. Respect individuality : In a marriage there are two individuals, who voluntarily agree to live together as partners. However, we need to realise that we are two different individuals by nature and have our own personalities. Our ability to respect each other’s individuality will help us evolve as better partners in life.

5. Let go and forgive each other : Conflicts are an integral part of marriage. We can neither avoid it nor ignore it. We need to learn to deal with it openly. Our ability to let go and forgive each other may help us resolve conflicts expeditiously. If we continue to carry the grudge and not willing to forgive each other, we may end up like computer disks where the memory is full of conflicts and nothing is deleted and this would definitely crash some day.

6. Agree on dos and donts’: One simple formula which has worked for me is to agree on Dos’ and Donts’ in life between partners. What is acceptable behaviour and what is not acceptable behaviour ? This list does not dawn from the sky but we need to evolve them together through our experiences in life. We can always add to our list or edit the list but the list is always binding on both of us.

7. Resolve conflicts mutually as far as possible : The best way to deal with conflicts in organisations is to enable two individuals or groups to sit together, discuss and resolve issues bilaterally without any third party intervention. Marriage is no different. We need to understand that conflicts will arise at every stage of life and it is our ability to sit across, discuss and resolve between us as partners, which will enable a happier marriage.

8. Talk to parents or elders on either side for any guidance: While the best way to resolve issues in a marriage is between the two partners, it may not happen sometimes. In such situations, it may be a good idea to talk to our parents on either side or elders or friends, who can help us resolve the issue. This way we may realise our limitations and may not repeat the same mistakes all over again and this does not become a public issue.

9. Listen to each other actively: The most difficult aspect of a successful marriage is listening to one another. While each of us will readily agree that the other person is not listening to us, we do not realise that listening is always a two way street between two parties. If the other party is not willing to actively support you, one can neither speak authentically nor listen to the other.

10. Take time off whenever you want to be alone with mutual agreement : It may be a good idea to take time off to be alone even in a marriage once in a way. When you miss someone, you may value the person more. Hence, it may be a good idea to plan and take time off periodically to be left alone so that one can reflect and also understand the value of the other partner in our lives.

I am not claiming in any way that these principles are absolute and universally applicable to all. It is just my own experience, which has taught me over the years and I do not claim to be a perfect partner in my life as yet. However, the fact that I have survived in a successful partnership for almost four decades means there could some value in these principles of life.

You may consider them, distil them and evolve as your own ten golden rules, which will best work for you.

Let the journey begin today.

S Ramesh Shankar

(Gifted to my son and daughter in law on the occasion of their first wedding anniversary on 11th Nov 2023.)