Category: Emotions/Relationships

When people take your goodness for granted ???

In my long corporate career, one question I have not yet found an answer to is when people ask me – “Do you need to continue to be good to people, even if they take your goodness for granted “. Honestly, I have not yet found the response but I would still take the risk of saying – please continue to be good to people since if they do not reciprocate it is their problem, not yours.

I recall once a CEO told me that he was very kind and affectionate to his staff. However, he finds that his driver and some other staff take him for granted. He noticed that both his predecessor and successor did not treat their staff with respect but they were never taken for granted. This may be true in many instances in life – both within family circles, with friends and in society at large. But I would still recommend, let us be good to others the way we want others to be good to us.

I should confess that I cannot claim that I have the virtues of Mahatma Gandhi, who could forgive even his worst enemies. Gandhi believed forgiveness is Godliness. I am less human than Gandhi but I can profess that being good to others ultimately brings you good things in life.

I can share at least two real life experiences, which have reinforced my belief that being good to others irrespective of their being not considerate to you, could be difficult but worth trying. I recall once one of my senior colleagues did something unpardonable to me. I was hurt and distraught but realised that I had done no wrong. So I decided to forgive him and move on in my career and continued to be good to him. He faced one of the most difficult situations in his personal life after this incident. God has his own way of dealing with people who treat you unfairly. This senior came back to me after this incident and sought my help for some issue to which I responded positively.

In the second instance, another senior colleague almost misbehaved with me for no fault of mine in front of my boss. I was deeply hurt but decided to forget the incident and move on in life and my career. This person met with a serious road accident and was bed ridden for almost a year. So God finds his own way to give feedback to people, who treat others with disdain. Inspite of the unpardonable behaviour of my senior colleague, I called the person concerned and enquired about his health.

Incidences like these may happen both in personal and professional life. We all feel hurt and annoyed as well and it is human to feel that way. However, if we are honest and believe we had not made any mistake, we need to learn to forgive such indecent human beings and move on in life. God takes care of them in his own way and teaches them life lessons.

Our ability to believe in ourselves and being honest to ourself and people around us is important. This gives us the moral courage and authority to move on and forgive the unforgivable. Some things in life are challenging although can be dealt with in a human way. Our ability to forgive and forget helps us get back on track.

One of the best quotes I have heard is -“To err is human, to forgive divine”.

Lets keep trying

S Ramesh Shankar

Ten golden rules for a successful marriage

I have been married for almost four decades now. I did marry a girl of my choice with the consent of our parents. However, whether it is a love or an arranged marriage, it may not survive unless both partners agree on same basic principles of life.

I have tried to distil my life experiences of my own marriage and other successful marriages of friends and relatives, which I have witnessed so that we can continue to learn and refine these principles of life.

I am calling them the ten golden rules for a successful marriage. I am not suggesting that it may work for everyone. However, you could consider this as the starting point and evolve your own principles of life, which may work for you.

1. Trust : Trust is not given or taken, it is earned. We can earn trust of others by our deeds and actions and not our words. Nobody believes what you say but they do admire you for what you do. Marriage is no different. Each partner will trust the other when they see actions, which reflect the intent of the person and not mere words.

2. Mutual respect : One needs to respect each other every day and in every possible way. Each of us are different and may have different qualifications and abilities. The fact that we have agreed to be partners in life bestows the responsibility in us to respect one another. Respect has to given first and earned later.

3. Give and take : Marriage is an equal opportunity partnership. It is a give and take relationship. Whether it is sharing of responsibilities at home or fulfilling one’s obligations as a partner, it is always give and take. We need to learn to give first and take later. It may also be important to mention that give and take does not mean it is a contractual relationship. It is a partnership and the responsibility to make it win win lies on both the partners.

4. Respect individuality : In a marriage there are two individuals, who voluntarily agree to live together as partners. However, we need to realise that we are two different individuals by nature and have our own personalities. Our ability to respect each other’s individuality will help us evolve as better partners in life.

5. Let go and forgive each other : Conflicts are an integral part of marriage. We can neither avoid it nor ignore it. We need to learn to deal with it openly. Our ability to let go and forgive each other may help us resolve conflicts expeditiously. If we continue to carry the grudge and not willing to forgive each other, we may end up like computer disks where the memory is full of conflicts and nothing is deleted and this would definitely crash some day.

6. Agree on dos and donts’: One simple formula which has worked for me is to agree on Dos’ and Donts’ in life between partners. What is acceptable behaviour and what is not acceptable behaviour ? This list does not dawn from the sky but we need to evolve them together through our experiences in life. We can always add to our list or edit the list but the list is always binding on both of us.

7. Resolve conflicts mutually as far as possible : The best way to deal with conflicts in organisations is to enable two individuals or groups to sit together, discuss and resolve issues bilaterally without any third party intervention. Marriage is no different. We need to understand that conflicts will arise at every stage of life and it is our ability to sit across, discuss and resolve between us as partners, which will enable a happier marriage.

8. Talk to parents or elders on either side for any guidance: While the best way to resolve issues in a marriage is between the two partners, it may not happen sometimes. In such situations, it may be a good idea to talk to our parents on either side or elders or friends, who can help us resolve the issue. This way we may realise our limitations and may not repeat the same mistakes all over again and this does not become a public issue.

9. Listen to each other actively: The most difficult aspect of a successful marriage is listening to one another. While each of us will readily agree that the other person is not listening to us, we do not realise that listening is always a two way street between two parties. If the other party is not willing to actively support you, one can neither speak authentically nor listen to the other.

10. Take time off whenever you want to be alone with mutual agreement : It may be a good idea to take time off to be alone even in a marriage once in a way. When you miss someone, you may value the person more. Hence, it may be a good idea to plan and take time off periodically to be left alone so that one can reflect and also understand the value of the other partner in our lives.

I am not claiming in any way that these principles are absolute and universally applicable to all. It is just my own experience, which has taught me over the years and I do not claim to be a perfect partner in my life as yet. However, the fact that I have survived in a successful partnership for almost four decades means there could some value in these principles of life.

You may consider them, distil them and evolve as your own ten golden rules, which will best work for you.

Let the journey begin today.

S Ramesh Shankar

(Gifted to my son and daughter in law on the occasion of their first wedding anniversary on 11th Nov 2023.)

Family as a social institution

 

I have been a student of sociology for many years now. I have always wondered why “family” as a social institution is breaking down in India like the west.

While it is a great idea to ape the west for all the good things they have, vis a vis the east, it may not be a good idea to learn how to degenerate social institutions like family from anyone.

Family is the basic unit of society. It is built around parents and children. Historically, in India, the joint family was prevalent where multiple generations lived together. This ensured that the seniors acted like mentors for the juniors and there was social support all around every individual.

Joint families have given way to nuclear families today and nuclear families are gradually but surely leading to live in partners and family as an institution , is breaking down.

I remember my childhood where I would always dream of growing up, settling down in life and my parents staying with me and giving an opportunity for me to take care of them , for all that they did for me. However, this remained a dream , as my parents died at an young age.

Today with the world as the market place for talent, it has led to individuals migrating and settling, in different parts of the world. This has led to parents staying back in India and taking care of themselves. Even in India, with children working in different parts of the country, parents stay on their own , in their home turf.

While we can neither blame the children nor the parents, family as an institution has indeed broken down. I shudder to even imagine , my parents living in an old age home. But today it is a reality. Children put their parents in old age homes since they are not able to be with them due to physical reasons but have the financial capacity to sponsor their stays.

Parents have accepted this reality but emotionally break down as they have only walls and furniture for their company in old age homes. It is indeed a vicious circle and may be difficult to find an optimal solution.

Just like the pandemic ensured that we find the right balance between work and life, it may be time to rethink our priorities in life. We need to think if taking care of our family and seniors at home is important or only climbing up personal career ladder , at all costs. If there is a conflict on either of these, which one would you choose?

I am not sure if we have the answer to all the difficult questions of life. However, on reflection, I believe that at every stage of life, we have a choice and it is upto us to define and redefine our priorities in life. We may go wrong at times and it is ok. But, reimagining and reviewing our priorities in life ,from time to time ,may help us be on track.

It may be time to think of returning to the joint family system of our forefathers where multiple generations lived together and provided a social security net within the family. Even with multiple family members working, there was always someone in the family to look for emotional bond.

I do not have any solutions to this social problem because every family may have a different challenge to handle. But I do think that we have a lot to learn from our forefathers.

Time to think ?

S Ramesh Shankar

20th May 2022.