Category: Emotions/Relationships

Ten golden rules for a successful marriage

I have been married for almost four decades now. I did marry a girl of my choice with the consent of our parents. However, whether it is a love or an arranged marriage, it may not survive unless both partners agree on same basic principles of life.

I have tried to distil my life experiences of my own marriage and other successful marriages of friends and relatives, which I have witnessed so that we can continue to learn and refine these principles of life.

I am calling them the ten golden rules for a successful marriage. I am not suggesting that it may work for everyone. However, you could consider this as the starting point and evolve your own principles of life, which may work for you.

1. Trust : Trust is not given or taken, it is earned. We can earn trust of others by our deeds and actions and not our words. Nobody believes what you say but they do admire you for what you do. Marriage is no different. Each partner will trust the other when they see actions, which reflect the intent of the person and not mere words.

2. Mutual respect : One needs to respect each other every day and in every possible way. Each of us are different and may have different qualifications and abilities. The fact that we have agreed to be partners in life bestows the responsibility in us to respect one another. Respect has to given first and earned later.

3. Give and take : Marriage is an equal opportunity partnership. It is a give and take relationship. Whether it is sharing of responsibilities at home or fulfilling one’s obligations as a partner, it is always give and take. We need to learn to give first and take later. It may also be important to mention that give and take does not mean it is a contractual relationship. It is a partnership and the responsibility to make it win win lies on both the partners.

4. Respect individuality : In a marriage there are two individuals, who voluntarily agree to live together as partners. However, we need to realise that we are two different individuals by nature and have our own personalities. Our ability to respect each other’s individuality will help us evolve as better partners in life.

5. Let go and forgive each other : Conflicts are an integral part of marriage. We can neither avoid it nor ignore it. We need to learn to deal with it openly. Our ability to let go and forgive each other may help us resolve conflicts expeditiously. If we continue to carry the grudge and not willing to forgive each other, we may end up like computer disks where the memory is full of conflicts and nothing is deleted and this would definitely crash some day.

6. Agree on dos and donts’: One simple formula which has worked for me is to agree on Dos’ and Donts’ in life between partners. What is acceptable behaviour and what is not acceptable behaviour ? This list does not dawn from the sky but we need to evolve them together through our experiences in life. We can always add to our list or edit the list but the list is always binding on both of us.

7. Resolve conflicts mutually as far as possible : The best way to deal with conflicts in organisations is to enable two individuals or groups to sit together, discuss and resolve issues bilaterally without any third party intervention. Marriage is no different. We need to understand that conflicts will arise at every stage of life and it is our ability to sit across, discuss and resolve between us as partners, which will enable a happier marriage.

8. Talk to parents or elders on either side for any guidance: While the best way to resolve issues in a marriage is between the two partners, it may not happen sometimes. In such situations, it may be a good idea to talk to our parents on either side or elders or friends, who can help us resolve the issue. This way we may realise our limitations and may not repeat the same mistakes all over again and this does not become a public issue.

9. Listen to each other actively: The most difficult aspect of a successful marriage is listening to one another. While each of us will readily agree that the other person is not listening to us, we do not realise that listening is always a two way street between two parties. If the other party is not willing to actively support you, one can neither speak authentically nor listen to the other.

10. Take time off whenever you want to be alone with mutual agreement : It may be a good idea to take time off to be alone even in a marriage once in a way. When you miss someone, you may value the person more. Hence, it may be a good idea to plan and take time off periodically to be left alone so that one can reflect and also understand the value of the other partner in our lives.

I am not claiming in any way that these principles are absolute and universally applicable to all. It is just my own experience, which has taught me over the years and I do not claim to be a perfect partner in my life as yet. However, the fact that I have survived in a successful partnership for almost four decades means there could some value in these principles of life.

You may consider them, distil them and evolve as your own ten golden rules, which will best work for you.

Let the journey begin today.

S Ramesh Shankar

(Gifted to my son and daughter in law on the occasion of their first wedding anniversary on 11th Nov 2023.)

Family as a social institution

 

I have been a student of sociology for many years now. I have always wondered why “family” as a social institution is breaking down in India like the west.

While it is a great idea to ape the west for all the good things they have, vis a vis the east, it may not be a good idea to learn how to degenerate social institutions like family from anyone.

Family is the basic unit of society. It is built around parents and children. Historically, in India, the joint family was prevalent where multiple generations lived together. This ensured that the seniors acted like mentors for the juniors and there was social support all around every individual.

Joint families have given way to nuclear families today and nuclear families are gradually but surely leading to live in partners and family as an institution , is breaking down.

I remember my childhood where I would always dream of growing up, settling down in life and my parents staying with me and giving an opportunity for me to take care of them , for all that they did for me. However, this remained a dream , as my parents died at an young age.

Today with the world as the market place for talent, it has led to individuals migrating and settling, in different parts of the world. This has led to parents staying back in India and taking care of themselves. Even in India, with children working in different parts of the country, parents stay on their own , in their home turf.

While we can neither blame the children nor the parents, family as an institution has indeed broken down. I shudder to even imagine , my parents living in an old age home. But today it is a reality. Children put their parents in old age homes since they are not able to be with them due to physical reasons but have the financial capacity to sponsor their stays.

Parents have accepted this reality but emotionally break down as they have only walls and furniture for their company in old age homes. It is indeed a vicious circle and may be difficult to find an optimal solution.

Just like the pandemic ensured that we find the right balance between work and life, it may be time to rethink our priorities in life. We need to think if taking care of our family and seniors at home is important or only climbing up personal career ladder , at all costs. If there is a conflict on either of these, which one would you choose?

I am not sure if we have the answer to all the difficult questions of life. However, on reflection, I believe that at every stage of life, we have a choice and it is upto us to define and redefine our priorities in life. We may go wrong at times and it is ok. But, reimagining and reviewing our priorities in life ,from time to time ,may help us be on track.

It may be time to think of returning to the joint family system of our forefathers where multiple generations lived together and provided a social security net within the family. Even with multiple family members working, there was always someone in the family to look for emotional bond.

I do not have any solutions to this social problem because every family may have a different challenge to handle. But I do think that we have a lot to learn from our forefathers.

Time to think ?

S Ramesh Shankar

20th May 2022.

 

Never judge anyone

Every day we tend to judge people around us in every possible way. It may be positive or negative based on our own perceptions or hearsay. We rarely judge people based on facts. This is the reality of life.

An incident in my life today triggered this thought in me and hence this blog. I had given some clothes to stich to a nearby tailor. As usual, this tailor kept giving me new dates every time I called her. I was fed up and hence decided to reach the tailor’s shop one day, unannounced.

I sat down in front of her and got a few things stitched. As they were curtains, she readily did it and told me that the rest will take some more time. I was curious to know why this inordinate delay. She then narrated to me her story. She lives with her hubby and two college going kids.

Her husband who was working in a factory nearby got a paralytic stroke and she went literally from pillar to post for his treatment. Many hospitals near her home including a national centre of excellence refused to treat her husband and she had to drive him all the way to Mysore from Bangalore ( which is 120 kms away from her home) where some hospital agreed to treat him.

This illness made her hubby jobless and she was the only earning member in the family with a shop, which had to be closed ,as she had to take care of her husband and her kids. Luckily her husband is recovering now and her college going kids are supportive .so, she is limping back to normalcy in a slow and steady way.

I had almost decided that I will never give any clothes to her for stiching, based on my perception of her, before knowing the facts. After listening to her story, I decided that she will be my first choice of a tailor for all my future needs.

In life, we tend to judge people based on perceptions or hearsay. We listen to some stories or have some bad experiences and we decide this should be right or wrong. It may be worthwhile to dig deep into the facts of every experience ,before we make any judgement on people.

This happens in family, society and even in organisations. In the family, parents judge children and vice versa. Similarly in organisations, managers judge employees and vice versa based on perceptions and hearsay rather than facts. While it may be the reality to judge people on perceptions, it may be worthwhile to check back and ask for real life instances to substantiate a perception before we make a judgement.

I remember some manager stating that his employee is argumentative just because he is not able to manage him. When I used to ask for real life examples, the manger did not have many to share. When I checked with his peers ,I found that that the employee was smart and the manger found it difficult to bull doze him to do things which the employee felt was not in the best interest of the organisation.

Life is no different. We tend to judge people on the go. It is time to reflect, sit back and gather facts before we judge. If we are able to put ourselves in the situation of the person whom we are about to judge ,we may be more objective in our judgement.

May be time to look at the mirror before we make the next judgement about others.

S Ramesh Shankar

20th April’s 2022