I have met employees in different organisations who have shared stories about how they were hurt with the way their managers communicated with them. I used to initially think that this may be because all of us as employees do not like to hear the bad news from our managers. For eg. Who will like a negative feedback from his or her manager ? . But, I was surprised that when I dug deep into it, I found that many employees were okay with the content of the message but were upset the way it was delivered by their managers.

This made me think as to why this happens. I assume all managers are responsible and hence will be careful in preparing their messages and more so when it is a negative message. If a manager has to sit with his employee to give a performance feedback, he will prepare his content and then deliver the message. This may be true in most of the cases. But, the real impact is not content but delivery and mode of delivery.

If a manager takes her employee to a canteen and over a cup of tea and casually makes a comment that the employee has to improve his interpersonal relations and does not substantiate with examples, it could have a negative effect. In this instance, the employee is shattered both by the content and the delivery of the message. First the employee is not prepared for the feedback. Next he feels his manager has been very frivolous and insensitive in the way it was conveyed. So, the lesson learnt is delivery is as important if not more than content of the message.

The situation is no different at home. We as parents tend to convey a negative message to our kid as if we have no ownership to it. We may say your mom feels you are reckless in behaviour though I don’t agree. This can not only harm the child more than before but also create a lack of credibility of yours in the mind space of your kid. We do not realize how a child gets impacted if the message is not conveyed in the right way.

Even in a play field, a coach can motivate a player by ensuring the message is conveyed to the player in the correct manner. A coach is respected, who is not only fair but is perceived to be fair. Perception is based in real experiences of the players. If a player is dropped for a game, the coach needs to plan and deliver this bad news to the player concerned in a proper way. If this is done much before the match and the player is explained the reasons for his dropping by the coach and the captain, this message is taken in the right spirit. On the contrary, if this is conveyed in the last minute just at the start of play, the player gets demotivated.

The same thing happens in organisations too. Employees are open to feedback. I have experienced that they respect leaders who give authentic feedback. Authenticity means that there is no gap between what I say and what I do. If I say you are good at something and then do not give you an opportunity to do that thing, then I lose respect. On the contrary if I tell you that you will not be considered for this project because you do not have the skills but will be considered for the next which will match with your strengths and keep that promise, then I am respected.

Your love and affection can be experienced by the receiver as in the photo above as long as you behave affectionately.

I think it is human to realise that “how we say” something is more important than “what we say “. We are all human and we get hurt as individuals when we are conveyed a message by our family, friends, colleagues or by our manager in an inappropriate manner. Hence, we do realise it . But, it is time to convert that realisation to practise. While we have every right to feel hurt in being conveyed a message wrongly, we have an equal responsibility to ensure that we do not hurt others by similar behaviour while we convey messages to others.

Lets be human.

S Ramesh Shankar

I have always be in awe of our festivals in India. Diwali is no exception. Apart from lights and crackers, one recalls Diwali with fond memories because the entire family got together once in a year and celebrated together. We got up early at dawn and had an oil bath before sunrise and enjoyed all the sweets and savouries all day.

Today I got a new insight on Diwali. It is celebrated in India with two different beliefs in the northern and southern part of the country. In the north, people believe that Lord Rama returned to Ayodhya after his 14 years in the forests and hence is welcomed back with lights and crackers. In the South, it is believed that Lord Krishna killed a ghost by name Narakaasura on this day in Dwaraka Yuga.

The new insight I got today is from a forward about the story of Narakaasura and the lessons for all of us. It is believed that Narakaasura is the “I” or ego residing in all of us as humans. When Lord Krishna killed Narakaasura, he eliminated our ego and released more than 16000 evils in us. So the next day on amavasya we pray to Godess Lakshmi to lead us to the right path.

Every ritual in Hindu religion and so in other religions has a deep insight for all of us. We generally get swayed by the rituals and start believing that they are of no use and most of us including me give up rituals because they serve no human purpose. I have been no exception. Now that I have all the time in the world, I am able to reflect and get new insights into these rituals.

Another interesting belief that we should clean our home and get rid of all the unwanted things. This is also symbolic that God wants us to give up all that is not necessary and take up the good things in life.

It is also enshrined in our religions that the best way to serve God is to serve the human kind. If we give more, we get more. If we are content with what we have, God always gives us more than what we need. This is the challenge for all of us. How much is enough – is a question difficult to ask and answer for oneself ?

I have admired people who give away without expecting anything in return. Recently another friend forwarded a message with a great insight. It was a couplet from Rahim. When Tulsidas looked at Rahim donating, he found his eyes looked at the ground and so asked him ” O great person, where have you learnt this amazing way of giving ? “. As your hands rise ( to give), your eyes look down. “. Rahim replies – “. The Giver is someone else ( God Almighty), giving day and night. The world has a misconception that I am the giver. So, I lower my eyes in embarrassment. ”

The best people I have met in life are those who give unconditionally. They are anonymous most of the times and recipient does not know that they are the donors. They give because they have a surplus and they are grateful to the Almighty for it and want to thank him for the generosity bestowed on them.

It is like the exotic orchid in the photo above, given my colleagues at work, which are blooming because of their unconditional love.

This blog a salute from my side to all the wonderful people who have made me what I am today. They have given me support, advice, money and love unconditionally. I can never ever return their favour in any form. I promise to give back without expecting anything in return as I bow in gratitude to them.

S Ramesh Shankar

27th October 2019

Yesterday was one of those rare days in my life when I could not sleep. I had gone on a tour to Germany and when I returned I had a bad cold and cough because of extreme change of weather conditions. Although this has not been new to me but I do not know why I could not sleep. I have travelled to Germany multiple times and have never missed a whole night sleep. But today was different.

I do not even remember as to when I last spent a sleepless night. Yes in the past on a few occasions, when I have travelled to places where there is a huge time zone difference it does take the human body to adjust and adapt. But four and a half hours time difference is not that difficult to adjust or adapt after a day’s rest. I do not know why nor do I want to know.

But this sleeplessness has helped me to further kindle my writing spirit. In a matter of less than an hour, I wrote four blogs. The thoughts started flowing like water in an open tap, There was no traffic on the road and no noise in the environs. It is dawn now and I can only hear the sound of the Rooster in the background. I realize that it may be sometimes wonderful to sleep in the day and enjoy the night this way.

However, on a serious note of reflection, I realised today how privileged I am. I have never complained of sleeplessness in my life. I have been an honest tax paying citizen and have lived my family and society values to the best of my ability all through my life. But today I realised how important sleep is for the health of a human being. If the body is not able to rest, it may not be energised the next day. It may be like a engine running twenty four hours and three hundred and sixty five days a year without any stop. The engine is likely to break down so will the human being without 8 hours of sleep every day.

I realised that there millions of people around the world who may not be sleeping every day this way. Of course some of the highly creative people like music composers, scientists etc sometimes work day or night when their calling comes. It is not sleep which is their way to relax but the work they do and their calling is not determined by the working hours of ordinary human kind like many of us.

Similarly, there are millions of people around the world who cannot sleep because they do not have a shelter above their head or food in their stomach. How privileged I am in comparison to these people. I did realise today after just one day of sleep deprivation. I may sleep during the day tomorrow as it is a weekend but everyone around the world does not have that privilege.

Another learning for me is to be grateful for what I am and what I have in life rather than what I am not and I do not have. There can never be day in my life where all my dreams will be realised. This does not mean I stop dreaming. But gratitude lays the foundation for humility in life. It also helps us balance need and greed. The day we realise we are grounded.

It is almost 5 am now. It is either time for my morning coffee or a quick nap.

What do you think I will do ?

S Ramesh Shankar

18th Nov 2017