Managing difficult relationships

Life is all about relationships. It starts in the family and then spreads to friends, society and organisations we work for. Each relationship is built over time and we need to nurture and grow them so that we source and spread happiness from them.

Every relationship has a value and we need to learn to benefit from that value. However , as we learn and grow in life, there would be some relationships which will grow with us and others ,which we find it difficult to handle. This happens in the family, organisations and society at large.

As social beings, we cannot run away from relationships around us. We need to learn to manage them and learn from them ,all the time. The relationships which are cordial and grow with us, nurture us and teach us ,a lot of life lessons. These could be relationships like parents, siblings, spouse, kids and friends.

However, there could be other relationships like work colleagues or neighbours or others, which may or may not grow ,as we desire. It is true that all types of relationships could be cordial or otherwise. We need to continually learn to live and manage them.

Let us start with relationships within the family. It could be a misunderstanding between parents and children or between siblings. The senior members like parents or elder siblings have the responsibility to take the initiative and ensure cordial relations.

Similarly at the work front, there could be misunderstanding and strained relationships between colleagues. There again, the senior most member or leader ,has the responsibility to sort out differences and maintain good relationships amongst team members.

The question we may ask ourselves is – “ How do we manage difficult relationships ? Yes, it is true ,that it is challenging to manage difficult relationships. However, the point to realise is that, in any relationship there are generally two individuals involved. If the senior among the two ,takes the initiative to sort out the differences, any misunderstanding can be sorted out.

If one takes the example of the union-management relationship in organisations, I would say the responsibility lies with the management as the senior partner ,to take the initiative ,to keep communication channels open, be honest with each other, to sort out any differences.

So, let us try to understand, how to go about managing difficult relationships. I have learnt that the following steps have helped me to manage the most difficult relationships in my life :

A. The senior most member takes the responsibility to take the initiative to resolve the differences and re build the relationship.

B. Open and honest communication is the key to resolve any differences. We need to put everything on the table and agree to work together with the intent to solve any misunderstandings between us.

C. Trust is key. We need to build and evolve trust between individuals and teams, where relationships are strained ,through our actions and not by words alone.

D. Willing to listen and forgive : We need to actively listen to one another and be willing to forgive one another ,so that we forget the past and move forward into the future, positively.

I am not saying this is a sure shot prescription for success ,in mending any strained relationship. But, may be, it could help in breaking ice and moving forward.

Let’s try one step at a time.

S Ramesh Shankar

10th Jan 2025

Syncing with nature

I am on my annual retreat to a heritage Ayurveda centre in Kerala, India. I attended a session by the lead Doctor of this centre yesterday. She gave us new insights of how “Ayurveda” works on the human body.

According to Ayurveda, human beings have an in built immunity mechanism and it can tackle and manage all diseases and injuries to the body. However, over a period of time due to wrong intake of food, our habits of not having quality, quantity, time and type of food healthy for us, our immune system gets impacted.

According to the experts in Ayurveda, the head in the human body is like the root of a tree. Just like we water the root of a tree, when it grows up, we need to first treat the head with medicated oil and other methods before we move to the other parts. All issues in the human body spreads from the head to the other parts through the nervous system and the physiological systems.

They say that we assimilate toxins all through the day and month and do not have a way to eliminate them from the body. When we fall ill, we take medicines and they help us tackle the disease or illness ,without getting into the root cause of the disease.

According to Ayurveda, the root cause of most diseases ,is the health of our gut. What we eat, when we eat, how we eat and in what quality and quantity ,determines the health of our gut. This supplemented with good sleep at the right time and not going against nature is important. Physical exercise of our choice and cordial sexual relations with your partner ,will help us keep up physical and mental health.

If we maintain our intake and ensure that we excrete ,what is not good for the body ,on a regular basis, the chances of our falling ill is very minimal. The immune system of our body will be able to manage most of the diseases, prevalent in society.

The process they follow in a typical elevenday programme is that they use oil massage therapy with a combination of oral herbal medicines to help us excrete all the toxins accumulated in the body ,during the first eight days. Then they clear the remaining unwanted things in the body through enema ,in the last three days. This way they systematically cleanse our body and help us regain our health.

I would like to share some examples of how this could work. Firstly, it is about preventive health maintenance. It is like ,we maintain our cars and bikes ,through periodic preventive service in an authorised service station. Similarly, we need to maintain our health with proper intake of food and regular exercise supplemented by an annual preventive health maintenance ,at a centre of our choice – ayurvedic or anything else we like.

Secondly like we use the right fuel and oil in our automobiles, in the right quality, quantity and time, similarly, we need to intake food at the right time in the right quantity and quality, which will help us keep healthy.

Thirdly, like an automobile is maintained well, when it is kept running and not kept idle. Similarly, our body and mind has to have regular physical and mental exercise to keep it running.

Let our journey to good health begin today by syncing ourselves with nature – i.e. the Ayurveda way as documented in 3rd century BC in India.

S Ramesh Shankar

3rd Feb 2025

Heart or Mind

Many of us struggle on what to depend upon – heart or mind – to decide everything in life. This is a genuine dilemma and most of us may have gone through it ,in some stage of our life. While heart tells us what we are passionate about, mind analyses it logically ,if we are capable of doing it.

In my book, we need to decide from our heart and plan to execute it from our mind. Many of us tend to wish through our heart and just dream about it. So, it invariably ends up as an unaccomplished dream in our life.

All of us have dreams and passions in our lives. It takes time to identify, what we really enjoy in life and that is absolutely normal. It is fine to change your mind and change it any number of times ,till you find your calling—Something, which fascinates you and keeps you awake at night too.

We all come from different economic backgrounds and it is possible that we cannot follow our heart ,till we reach a stage, where we can afford to do it. Let me illustrate this with an example. I have been passionate about driving and going on long drives. I started my career in 1981 and bought my first car in 1987 and but it took almost ten years for me, to undertake my first long drive with my family.

My financial status and family conditions ,did not permit me to spend money on this passion ,till I reached a reasonable financial stability. I never looked back after that. I could afford to drive different cars and go for long drives with family and friends, across the country in different cities ,I lived thereafter. Even today, I go on a drive once in a few months and enjoy it.

We need not feel bad that we are not able to pursue our passion at a particular point of time ,for reasons beyond our control. Everything in life has a time and place to become a reality and we need to evolve the patience and perseverance, to wait for the opportune time.

Let me give you another example ,from my personal life. I always was passionate about writing. I used to write articles for my school and college magazine and many a time ,for our company newsletters. But I could pursue writing as a passion and publish books only since 2016. This was more than three decades after I started my career.

We need to find ways and means to discover and rediscover our passions in life. It may take some time and we need to be patient ,to make it a reality. Although, we may dream about our passion, it becomes a reality only when we apply our mind and plan for it in our lives.

A dream remains a dream ,unless we systematically plan for it and make it a reality ,through diligent execution. I had a dream to go to the Kumbh for many decades but made it a reality this year ,through systematic planning and seamless execution. So, anything, we dream through our hearts ,can become a reality ,if we are willing to toil to make it happen and work hard through our mind ,to make the impossible, possible.

Let our hearts continue to dream but our mind should convert those dreams into realities through planning.

Let us begin today as it is never too late.

S Ramesh Shankar

5th Feb 2025