I have seen a lot of people admiring their Moms and Dads and writing about them. While some adore their Moms, others adore their Dads. I wondered what could be the differences between our Moms and Dads.

Being a Dad and having a wife, who is a Mom of two kids, I have experienced being a Dad myself. Further, I was fortunate to have my Mom and Dad in my life ,till I started working as a professional at the age of 22.

I will try to synthesise the differences between Moms and Dads and how they are perceived by the children. This may possibly help us understand the differences in their perceptions, as parents.

A Mom expresses her love through words and deeds. On the other hand, a Dad generally does not express much in words but conveys more by not saying much. A Dad’s actions may speak more than his words.

A Mom is always accessible and empathetic towards her children. A Dad is felt more by his absence and his behaviour. We may see Moms getting emotional at things happening around them. On the other hand, one may hardly see his Dad getting emotionally impacted.

When we are young, our Moms display compassion through their everyday actions. On the other hand, our Dad tries to discipline us, to make us stand on our own feet. While both compassion and discipline is important for our future, we may sometimes get overwhelmed by compassion or may rebel at being disciplined.

As children grow up, the mother becomes the emotional anchor in their lives and father becomes the life anchor. Children like to talk to their moms to complain about everyone in their lives and talk to their Dads when they need professional or personal advice. In some cases, this could be reverse of what is generally believed – Dad becomes the emotional anchor and Mom becomes the personal advisor in life.

The beauty of our lives is that we do not realise the value of our Mom or Dad till they are around. We suddenly realise how invaluable they were, when they are unfortunately not around us. This is not unique to any individual. This is a true tenet of life itself. We do not value something ,till we lose it.

A Mom listens first and speaks later.. Dads generally speak first and listen later. While some of us want others to always listen to us, others prefer listening to speaking. This makes us like our Mom or Dad ,as the situation we prefer.

Both Moms and Dads are invaluable to our lives. While one is like a friend and philosopher in life, the other may be an anchor on whom we rely on. We need both advice and refrain , at different stages in our lives.

As our children grow up, we need to realise that they also have become Moms and Dads in their own lives and can stand on their own feet. Like Vidhur had said in Mahabharat, an adult needs to be given advice only when asked. Both Moms and Dads realise at this stage of life to “let go” and let their children lead their own lives.

Whom do you prefer – Mom or Dad or both ?

S Ramesh Shankar

30th Nov 2023

 

All of us meet different types of people in our lives. We meet them in the family circles, amongst friends, at work and the in the community around us or wherever we travel.

It is interesting that amongst all the people we meet in our lives, there are some, who make us happy ,every time we meet them. They may not be rich in wealth or the most accomplished, in their chosen professional field.

Let us examine what the qualities that they have, which make us happy in their company always :

1. Unconditional love : They express unconditional love. They are around always and are unconditional in their love and care for you. They do not need you and are not looking for anything in return from you.

2. Genuine and Authentic : They care for you and their caring ,touches you every time they are around due their genuineness and authenticity. Their authenticity is reflected in their eyes and their genuineness expressed through their emotions.

3. A great listener : They seem to have all the time in the world for you always. They are active listeners and are not in any hurry ,anytime. They make you feel as if listening to you ,is their privilege.

4. Available 24×7 : In this digital age, they are available to you all the time. You can call them, walk in to their homes or offices or chat with them anytime you need them. You do not need appointments to meet them and they give you an impression ,that you never intrude into their personal space.

5. Life coaches : While they may not accredited or trained professional coaches, their behaviour makes you believe ,that they are your life coaches. They listen always. They will never give you any unsolicited advice. They will ask you the right questions ,to make you feel better and make your feel nice ,without even saying a word , just by their presence.

6. Service before self: Their motto in life seems to be “serving others before self”. Everyone we know of ,seem to be in awe of them. They are friends ,for all people we know. They seem to have no enemies. It looks as if they live for others only.

7. Responsiveness : Their responsiveness is to be seen to be believed. They will respond to every phone call, reply to every email, chat whenever you want to chat with them. In case, they are busy for any reason, they will always call back, chat back or write back ,to close the loop.  They will never say they have no time for you.

8. Humility :  Their humility and selflessness bounces you off the ground.  Even if they hold high positions in organisations or the society at large, they will never make you feel less important than them.  As a friend, they will always treat you on par.  

Apart from the above, there may be many qualities of these people, which one needs to experience to understand them better.  Each of us may have different experiences to share.  But all of us will unequivocally confirm that they are super human beings.  They make you happier even on a day when they may not have tears to cry. 

Their presence ignites your energy.  Their absence leaves a vacuum in your life that day.  They make you believe that there are wonderful people around the world for us and they care for us.  No crisis looks big in their company.  No misery is endless with their support.

It may be time to learn from them and rediscover ourselves in life.

S Ramesh Shankar

4th Dec 2023

 

Everything in life cannot be outsourced. While we live in a world today, where people think everything can be outsourced, it may not be necessarily true. A mother cannot outsource loving her child. While it may be scientifically possible to have surrogate mothers to deliver your child but the love between a mother and child cannot be delegated.

Today’s generation is truly a world workforce and they are willing to cross oceans to pursue their careers or interests. This is indeed a great development and good for the world order. In the past, people were scared of moving beyond their home town and then their state or country. But, now the world is the market place for people to thrive in whatever they are passionate about.

While this is a positive development, there is an increasing mindset to believe that anything and everything in this world can be bought for money. This may not be true and indeed there are many soft aspects of life which cannot be outsourced or bought with money.

One cannot buy health or happiness anywhere in the world. You may be the richest person in the world but if you fall sick, the best of doctors can do their best but ultimately there is a divine force who determines your destiny.

Similarly, you could buy everything in the world with money but you cannot buy love or care. A mother cannot outsource loving her children. Nor children can outsource taking care of their parents.

With increasing materialisation of the world, people have started believing that everything can be outsourced or bought with money. This is not true. When you are sick and lying on a hospital bed in any part of the world, you think of your family and friends and pray they were with you at that time of distress.

Parents today are generally financially independent. They can take care of their physical needs with their savings. There are care givers to take of their health. However, they cannot buy happiness or insource their joy with their grandkids.

Similarly, children may think that they are financially supporting their parents and taking care of them. Buying a house, car or insurance is not loving your parents. Imagine the hours parents spent with you as kids answering your stupid questions with all patience you need. Today, they are looking to sit and talk to you. They are not happy with video calls or yearly visits to enquire about their wellness.

The Indian culture has taught us that we need to treat “Mother as God, “Father as God”, “Teacher as God” and “Guest as God”. But , we seem to imagine that “Money is God” and it can take care of everything in life. While money can buy material things in life, it cannot cure us of all physical and mental illnesses. It cannot provide us happiness. It cannot give us love when we are desperately in need of it.

We need to realise that everything in life cannot be outsourced or bought. We cannot buy our parents nor outsource loving and caring for them. We can buy the best house, the latest car or even take them to the most exotic destinations with money but that may not necessarily make them happy as they are not looking for those in old age.

The elders look for love and care. They want someone to sit and listen to them. They want their children to be with them and visit them often. They want to play with their grand children. If this realisation does not dawn on us today, it may some day but then it may be too late. After all, everyone has an expiry date and after that, it may be of no use to regret since we can never rewind life.

Let us learn this basic tenet of life. Loving and caring is human and can never be outsourced. Neither Artificial intelligence nor any technology of the world in the future can take over these responsibilities from human kind. We also need to realise that life is a full circle and there will be a tomorrow when our own children will do the same to us.

Let us learn to love and care for those who have made us what we are today before it is too late.

S Ramesh Shankar

18th May 2023