One of the most difficult decisions in life is choosing your life partner. It may look simple from a distance but grows complex as one experiences it. In traditional Indian families, the parents took the responsibility of finding partners for their children. This was based on horoscope matching and other family considerations. After all the astrological and horoscope matching process, some marriages clicked and others failed. This is when one realises that selecting a life partner is not that easy as it may appear.

Let us look at what makes it so challenging. We all grow up in our families and societies with certain value systems. While some of us, are privileged to experience different cultures and societies as we grow up, others may not be. This makes our adaptability to different cultures and personalities difficult.

If we look at the Indian system of choosing a partner for life – there are generally two types. In the traditional system, our parents put in the efforts on choosing a partner for us based on horoscope matching , astrological predictions and family compatibility as they see it. The other is when one partner meets the other in school, college or a the workplace and choose each other.

If I look back at my own life, I realise that neither the traditional match making by parents guarantees cent percent success nor the individual choosing their own partners ensures life long partnership for all. If this this the. case, we can neither say the traditional is better nor the modern is a recipe for success.

Then what could be the best way to choose a partner. I have all the questions in my mind and I am still searching for an answer. I would give my “Take 5” for building life partnerships. My life experiences teaches me that while choosing a partner some of the factors, which may help in moving in the right direction could be :

A. Mutual interests and compatibility : It is important for both partners to explore mutual interests and likes and dislikes. It is better to know what works and what does not before we venture out into a life long partnership with each other.

B. Family Values : While many may say that family values may or may not match. I personally vouch for similarity in value system as it helps in mutual compatibility. Family values is like the glue or culture in an organisation. It definitely helps to build relationships

C. Mutual respect : One of the most important factors which may help is mutual respect. Is is important to realise that the other partner is an equal partner in joy and sorrow in the future. We need to earn each other’s mutual respect through our actions and not our words. My true value is tested in challenging times and not in sharing joy.

D. Give and take : It is worthwhile to realise that we may not be able to find a partner in life, who is going to be hundred percent match in every aspect of life. Hence, our ability to adapt to each other is important. Our ability to give and take is critical for success in our partnership. First give and then take and not the other way around.

E. Financial independence & mutual trust : In today’s day and age, it is critical for both partners to be financially independent. It is equally important for establishing mutual trust through our speech and actions. Unflinching trust leads to trustful and life long partnerships.

My list may not be complete. It is neither a guarantor for success nor a recipe for failure. But, it may be worthwhile to try out these tips as I have failed many times and succeeded some times in my life partnership over the last three and half decades.

Time to try your luck when you are ready for it.

S Ramesh Shankar

15th Nov 2020

 

I got up in the morning and heard a shocking news conveyed through social media. One of my ex colleagues lost his life long spouse. She was perfectly fine in health. She just complained of a mild head ache and slept early at night. She never got up thereafter.

Life is so uncertain. We do not realise how life could change within minutes for us – not days, months or years. We grow up with our near and dear and almost take it for granted that we will be with them for the rest of our lives. It may not happen.

I lost a close relative two years back in a similar fashion. He just went to the rest room for his morning ablutions and never returned. Such was the shock to all of us that it took more than a year to realise that he was no more.

I sometimes wonder why we end up fighting with our siblings, relatives and friends. All of us are guilty of doing it in some measure at every stage of our lives. We are least forgiving especially when the hurt is deep and we are not willing to forget or pardon them.

Today I am not sure if it is really worth it. I had some early experience in my life. First I lost both my parents just as I turned 25. At this stage I also was to attend the funeral of every employee who died at our steel plant when they met with an accident. Every time I returned from the funeral ground, I could not bear the grief of the near and dear of the ex employee’s family.

Now, when I look back, I realise that life is too short and there is no time to hate anyone. The only way to enjoy life is to love everyone around you. I would appeal to everyone to consider forgiving those who have hurt you in any way and love them unconditionally. You never know if you will ever get a chance again in this life to do so.

There are hundreds of people who have moulded me as a human being. I am indebted to many of them and cannot express my gratitude to all of them in this life time. I do try to meet each one of them on every possible occasion now and sincerely express my gratitude and salutations to them.

These incidents of sudden tragedy make you realise how short our life is and why we need to express our love and gratitude to everyone around us. We may not be around within seconds or they may not be there. Life may not give us a second chance and it is time we realise it.

Love begets love. Gratitude expressed unconditionally grounds you and makes you into a better human being. The one way to repay our emotional debts in life is to be of some help to someone in need when they least expect it from us. We need to help people unconditionally and anonymously if possible.

We may visit temples, churches or mosques to have a date with our Gods and Godesses. But the best religion in the world is to serve humanity unconditionally and without expecting anything in return. I am committed to try my best to give back to society in my little ways. So can you ? Try it and good health and happiness is guaranteed.

S Ramesh Shankar

17th February 2020

 

In today’s competitive world, leaders are always tempted to take the short cut to achieve results. Leaders are evaluated quarter to quarter and hence claim that they do not have the time to trust their people. Imagine if a mother told her kid that she did not have time and hence did not trust her children. Or the patient telling the doctor that she did not trust the doctor and hence took her own treatment. It could be disastrous.

Similarly, in real life, there can be no debate between trust and mistrust. In my view, leadership is built around Trust, Personal credibility and Values. I call this the Triangle of Leadership. Trust leads to Personal credibility and Personal credibility helps you live your values in life. Similarly Personal credibility leads to Trust and Trust helps you live your values. There is no way Mistrust can make you a sustainable leader.

Trust is the essence of life. Imagine a family where the spouses do not trust each other and the parents do not trust the children and vice versa. It would be hell in real life. Every day there will be conflicts and acrimonious exchanges even within members of the same family.

On the other hand, if we trust each other as spouses and trust our children, the returns are to be experienced to be believed. I can cite a personal experience. I have been married for thirty eight years now. I have never counted the money in my purse and left it open always at home. Neither my spouse nor my children have ever betrayed my trust. Trust begets trust and not the other way around.

 

It is equally true in communities, societies and nations. The best organisations of the world have lived and grown based on trust. The world’s oldest organisations have always promoted trust amongst all their stakeholders. Similarly, the best governments in the world survive and prosper only when they instil trust in their citizens. The day trust is lost, everything is lost.

It is high time leaders realise the best of talent will thrive only in an environment of trust. The day they realise that they are not trusted by their leaders, they will leave for better places to work. So, organisations and leaders have to realise that only a culture of trust attracts the best of talent to organisations.

There is always a thin line between trust and mistrust like the red barrier in the photo above.

I always wonder why leaders do not realise this simple formula in life. We have to lead by trust and swear by trust both in our personal and work lives. However, if anyone breaches your trust, then the consequences should also be vey clear. While accidental and unintentional breach of trust can be forgiven, people should realise that intentional and repeated breach of trust will have dire consequences for them. This will also promote a culture of trust.

It is time to lead by trust always.

 

S Ramesh Shankar

 

24th Jan 2020