All of us go through moments of joy and sadnesses in our lives. Today was one of those days when I experienced a lot of hurt and sadness. I should admit that tears flowed from my eyes, unconsciously when I was recalling the incident.

Under normal circumstances, we as humans ,tend to retaliate with our words or actions ,when we are hurt. This could be by shouting back or writing back or even using the power of silence or non verbal communication channels.

We can understand and deal with hurt, if one can correlate the cause and effect of an action. However, when someone hurts you for no reason ,then you feel sad. It could also be for no fault of yours. Let me illustrate this point with a few examples.

While working in the corporates, I have been privileged to work under great leaders ,almost right through my career. I may have hurt many of my team members knowingly or unknowingly but my seniors mentored me to realise my mistakes and apologise and learn from these actions, always.

As I grew into a team leader, I also tried to practise this quality, learnt from my seniors. I would encourage the senior employees to forgive, forget and move on, when they are hurt by their junior colleagues.

One may argue that hurt is hurt and it does not matter ,if it comes from a senior or a junior. This is factually true. However, if we are willing to reflect on the incident and contextualise it ,in the organisational environment, we may realise that ,when our juniors hurt us, it may be their inability to understand the impact of their actions or our inability to groom them and develop them ,to deal with such situations.

The moment we are able to get out of this context and put ourselves as a neutral umpire, we realise that the cause of the hurt could be attributed to the leader ,rather than the team member, who insulted someone.

Let me illustrate this point ,with another example. The cricket teams of two leading cricket playing countries ,were playing a competitive final. Since it was a close game, the temperatures were running high and on some sensitive and close decisions of the umpire ,a lot of sledging and misbehaviour ,was seen on the ground. This continued for some time and in the end, resulted in fist fights and physical violence.

In such a situation, while the junior players may have indulged in the acts of misbehaviour , the onus of discipline and coaching the team ,lies with the captains of the two teams. As they were mute spectators to this incident, it was for the umpires to intervene and diffuse the situation.

Life is no different. We as parents or elders in the family or leaders in the organisation or the community have to take the onus of responsibility, of dealing with any errant behaviour by the youngsters in our domain. The accountability to mentor and coach ,lies with the seniors and not the juniors, who may have indulged in such acts of indiscipline.

I realised and learnt a great lesson today in life. The act of forgiving and taking onus of responsibility for the behaviour of my team members is my accountability. So it does not matter who is involved in such incidents, the seniors have to reflect and change themselves ,so that such acts do not recur in families, organisations or communities.

Let me change myself before I change the world.

S Ramesh Shankar

16th Jan 2024