Category: Uncategorized

Relationship

  What is a “Relationship” ?  


In my view, the basis of connection between two human beings is “Relationship”. All of us play multiple roles in our personal and professional lives. We are children, siblings, spouses, parents, grand parents, grand children and so on. Similarly, we are individual contributors, team leaders, managers, managers of managers and so on.

   I have always been inquisitive as to why some people get along easily with others and some don’t. Let us start with our family. Why do we find it easier to interact and relate to some family members and not with others. Interestingly, the reasons may not be the same for everyone to relate with someone better than others but the attributes, which makes a relationship click may be similar.

   If we move to the work place, the situation is similar. We get along easily with some colleagues and not with others. We find that gender, hierarchy or roles really do not matter. We relate and click with some of them easily and find it difficult with others.

  So, if we need to understand as to what helps in building good relationships one may need to reflect and introspect. I will prefer to look within to reflect and understand what helps me relate better with my spouse, my kids and my relatives. Similarly, what helps me relate better at the work place and what does not. How can I contribute to building better relationships ? 

   I would say that what helps me in my family has helped me at work. The first and foremost skill, which has helped me is to be a good listener. Most of us speak more than we listen. While all of us love to be listened to, we hate to listen to others. Hence, every attempt to improve my listening has helped me to build better relationship at home and at work.

   The second quality which has enabled me to build relationships is my ability to forgive and say sorry. We all have egos and it is the most difficult thing to manage. None of us accept that we made a mistake and are willing to give in. If we have the courage to say sorry first and forgive our spouse in the family or colleague at work, it definitely helps.

   The third attribute, which has helped me to forge good relationships is “Walking the talk”. If you expect your family member to live up to their commitments, you have demonstrate it rather than ask for it. Similarly, if you want your team to be deliver on time, you show the way rather than give a speech. This helps you build respect. They trust you and thereby it paves the way for a great relationship.

   If I may summarise, “Listening”, “Forgiveness” and “Walk the Talk” are three qualities to imbibe to build great “Relationships”

S Ramesh Shankar

Role Reversal


As we grow up as kids, we all are in awe of our parents.  We adore them and think they are everything to us.  We respect them, serve them and even role model their behaviour in our everyday life.  They become the standard for most things we do in life.  We consult them and seek their advice in any dilemma or major decisions in life.  This continues till the day we stand on our own feet.  

As we become independent, we start believing that the world is in our control.  We may not disrespect them but tend to take decisions on our own.  Our parents are proud of our independent nature and they let go their control over us.  We gain confidence and lead our own lives in our own way.

We get married and our spouse enters our lives.  She/He contributes equally to our well being and participates in all our decision making processes.  Some of us continue to seek advice from our parents even at this stage as we respect their acumen.  Then we bear kids and many a time move away from our homes in view of career compulsions.  This not only makes us physically away from our parents but also tends to emotionally distance us.

Our parents continue to believe that we are connected with them emotionally and we will take care of them for the rest of their lives.  But suddenly, the pressures of work , family commitments and the demands of our careers takes us farther away from them.  They are left lonely at home and mostly to fend for themselves.  Many a time , as children, we do not have the time or the intent even to visit them leave alone take care of  all their needs.

Suddenly, our parents feel the vacuum in their lives.  They feel helpless and not taken care of.  They do not look upon us for our monetary support.  They are more interested in our emotional support.  We think we have done our duty by sending some money every month or by providing a lot of material support for their physical convenience.  We do not realize that at this stage of their life, they look for emotional well being rather than material comforts.

I have always wondered why this change as the roles reverse in our lives.  Why do we not realize that this is a cycle of life and one day we will be in their position too.  What happens to all their contributions to our success in life ? Why do we become less grateful to them ? Why does selfish interest make us forget to be grateful to our parents, who have made us what we are today ?

May be I do not have the answers but I do have many questions.  May be I can be different now and in the future.  What can make us realize that this is the core of the Indian culture.  How can we sustain and preserve it for our future generations ? Can I commit to be different and be a role model for my children and grand children to follow ?

Even today, there are many good people, who take care of their parents( like my aunt in the picture above taken care by her son and daughter in law) and I salute them.

S Ramesh Shankar

Patience Pays


Is patience necessary in life ?  I am not sure but I am willing to examine it.   I recall I was a short tempered guy when I grew up.  This made me impatient in life.  I was not happy at my own pace of doing things.  As I ventured out of home and got into work, I realised that my impatience turned into anger.  I lost my cool at silly things and wasted more of my energy than others.  This made me less productive in life.

If I then move to the work place, I observe that all of us are in a hurry all the time.  We are competitive and hence want to outdo our colleagues each and every time.  We take up more than we can chew at work.  We want to prove that we are smarter than others. We are impatient for results every day.

If we move to our families, the situation is not different.  We want our children to grow up fast as we cannot deal with the tantrums of kids.  As children, we want to grow up fast we want to stand on own feet.  As newly married couples today we are so impatient that we are not ready to wait for nine months to have a kid and are willing to adopt or go for alternate methods.

What does all this teach us in life ?  It tells us that we want the results without investing in the efforts.  We want to win the game without playing the game.  Imagine winning a football match without playing for ninety minutes. We want to be the CEO within days of our joining the organisation.  If we feel, there is less chance, we want to start a start up so that we can become the CEO from day one.

All this implies that today the end is more important than the means to the end.  While Gandhiji said that ” The means to the end is more important than the end itself”.  If someone quotes Gandhiji to us, we may get impatient.  We may even say that this guy is outdated.  He needs to take a break or retire from work. I do not blame anyone for this since each of us are to blame ourselves.

If I look back, I realize that “patience pays”.  I have no doubt that if you put in your best, you will get the best.  The Japanese have always taught us that “fix the process, not the problem”.  We need patience to perform.  We need patience to be the best.  We need patience to excel.  We need patience to evolve as a good human being.   Some may turn around and say that one may realize this after one goes through a life of impatience.  It may be true for some and not for others.  Life teaches us many lessons along the way as we go through many events.  It is up to us to learn and become patient. Alternately, learn it late and be patient till you learn.   The picture of the two birds patiently waiting to catch the fish in the lake explains why patience pays.

The choice is always ours.

S Ramesh Shankar