Most of us tend to speak ,more than we listen. Although, God has given us two ears and one mouth, we listen probably half as much ,as we speak and not the other way around.

The most important thing to remember is that, the way we speak is more important than even, what we speak. I am not for one saying ,that we can speak non sense and get away with it. Here, I am assuming that most of us will speak sense ,most of the time.

But, let us examine why it is important to remember ,that the way we speak is even more important than what we speak. Let us start from the family itself. Most kids will be happy to listen to their mothers rather than their fathers. The reason for this is that ,most mothers will find the most appropriate way to discipline a child or give a feedback. Most fathers are abrupt and many a time lose their cool ,even before they give their feedback.

I should confess that we cannot and should not generalise on these things. I could be completely wrong, as some fathers are much more patient than the mothers. But, the majority may fall in the category of impatient fathers and patient mothers.

So, when a mother gives feedback to the child, the child listens and is willing to change. The reason is ,not that the feedback of the father ,was untruthful. Rather, it was because the way the mother spoke to the child and gave feedback at the right place and right time, made all the difference.

If we extend this to the organisation, the scenario is not very different. Some managers are liked by employees, while others are not. In most situations, the hard skills are similar but the soft skills of the managers are different. For example, when a manager gives feedback to an employee in private and in a congenial environment, the employee listens and is likely to improve. On the other hand, a very accurate feedback given by a manager in public and in a rude tone ,will never be accepted and acted upon ,by most employees.

Gandhiji’s famous quote states – “ The means to an end is as important as the end itself”. This is equally applicable in this context. The way we speak is as important as what we speak. We may sometimes wonder why some people are admired and actively listened to ,while others are not. The reason, mostly may lie on the way ,they deal with people rather than what they deal with.

Even a captain in a sports field is respected for the way they treat their team members and how they give feedback. The content of feedback between two captains ,may not be very different. But, one who takes care of the process of feedback is respected more than the one, who does not.

We all experience the way we are treated by others. We feel good when others treat us with respect and dignity. We feel good when language used is decent and appreciation is always done in public but criticism in private and not the other way around.

Let us learn to focus on the way we speak ,as much as what we speak from today.

S Ramesh Shankar

19th Jan 2025