I have been married for almost four decades now. I did marry a girl of my choice with the consent of our parents. However, whether it is a love or an arranged marriage, it may not survive unless both partners agree on same basic principles of life.

I have tried to distil my life experiences of my own marriage and other successful marriages of friends and relatives, which I have witnessed so that we can continue to learn and refine these principles of life.

I am calling them the ten golden rules for a successful marriage. I am not suggesting that it may work for everyone. However, you could consider this as the starting point and evolve your own principles of life, which may work for you.

1. Trust : Trust is not given or taken, it is earned. We can earn trust of others by our deeds and actions and not our words. Nobody believes what you say but they do admire you for what you do. Marriage is no different. Each partner will trust the other when they see actions, which reflect the intent of the person and not mere words.

2. Mutual respect : One needs to respect each other every day and in every possible way. Each of us are different and may have different qualifications and abilities. The fact that we have agreed to be partners in life bestows the responsibility in us to respect one another. Respect has to given first and earned later.

3. Give and take : Marriage is an equal opportunity partnership. It is a give and take relationship. Whether it is sharing of responsibilities at home or fulfilling one’s obligations as a partner, it is always give and take. We need to learn to give first and take later. It may also be important to mention that give and take does not mean it is a contractual relationship. It is a partnership and the responsibility to make it win win lies on both the partners.

4. Respect individuality : In a marriage there are two individuals, who voluntarily agree to live together as partners. However, we need to realise that we are two different individuals by nature and have our own personalities. Our ability to respect each other’s individuality will help us evolve as better partners in life.

5. Let go and forgive each other : Conflicts are an integral part of marriage. We can neither avoid it nor ignore it. We need to learn to deal with it openly. Our ability to let go and forgive each other may help us resolve conflicts expeditiously. If we continue to carry the grudge and not willing to forgive each other, we may end up like computer disks where the memory is full of conflicts and nothing is deleted and this would definitely crash some day.

6. Agree on dos and donts’: One simple formula which has worked for me is to agree on Dos’ and Donts’ in life between partners. What is acceptable behaviour and what is not acceptable behaviour ? This list does not dawn from the sky but we need to evolve them together through our experiences in life. We can always add to our list or edit the list but the list is always binding on both of us.

7. Resolve conflicts mutually as far as possible : The best way to deal with conflicts in organisations is to enable two individuals or groups to sit together, discuss and resolve issues bilaterally without any third party intervention. Marriage is no different. We need to understand that conflicts will arise at every stage of life and it is our ability to sit across, discuss and resolve between us as partners, which will enable a happier marriage.

8. Talk to parents or elders on either side for any guidance: While the best way to resolve issues in a marriage is between the two partners, it may not happen sometimes. In such situations, it may be a good idea to talk to our parents on either side or elders or friends, who can help us resolve the issue. This way we may realise our limitations and may not repeat the same mistakes all over again and this does not become a public issue.

9. Listen to each other actively: The most difficult aspect of a successful marriage is listening to one another. While each of us will readily agree that the other person is not listening to us, we do not realise that listening is always a two way street between two parties. If the other party is not willing to actively support you, one can neither speak authentically nor listen to the other.

10. Take time off whenever you want to be alone with mutual agreement : It may be a good idea to take time off to be alone even in a marriage once in a way. When you miss someone, you may value the person more. Hence, it may be a good idea to plan and take time off periodically to be left alone so that one can reflect and also understand the value of the other partner in our lives.

I am not claiming in any way that these principles are absolute and universally applicable to all. It is just my own experience, which has taught me over the years and I do not claim to be a perfect partner in my life as yet. However, the fact that I have survived in a successful partnership for almost four decades means there could some value in these principles of life.

You may consider them, distil them and evolve as your own ten golden rules, which will best work for you.

Let the journey begin today.

S Ramesh Shankar

(Gifted to my son and daughter in law on the occasion of their first wedding anniversary on 11th Nov 2023.)