All of us grow up hoping to study well, settle down and fulfil our life goals. Then we want to get married, have kids and be happy in life. This a natural human phenomenon. The relationship between parents and children is special. It is fun to spend time with your kids and play with them and see them grow up.
The real test for us as parents are when they grow up as adolescents. They turn rebellious and challenge us in our role as parents. We feel threatened because they question our role and even the support we provide them as parents. The feeling is like someone removing the umbrella from your head during a heavy downpour. We find it difficult to cope with this transition and try to manage the situation to the best of our abilities.
Some of us tend to look back at our own lives and recalling our teen age behaviourand accept this as the cycle of life. We believe that we did the same with our parents and now it is our turn. Others find it difficult, when challenged by their own children. Our values are threatened and questioned. Their habits, behaviour and social company becomes almost unacceptable to us. Our teenage children believe we are living in the past and are not willing to accept the present.
If you talk to psychologists or counsellors, they guide you to be friends with your kids. This is easier said than done. It is like a fire fighting drill. As long as it is a drill, all of us enjoy it and have fun. But, if a fire really breaks into our homes, we may not find it easy to handle. We feel as if the counsellors and psychologists are making us believe that dealing with adolescent or young adults at home as kids is like a fire fighting mock drill. Fun as a drill but difficult to practise in reality.
Life is different. The realities of this transition in your child’s behaviour is to be experienced to be believed. It is almost like a consultant giving advice on how to deal with a crisis in a class room. When the real crisis hits us neither the consultant is around nor we remember the strategy he taught us in the class. It is like all organisations have crisis management manuals prepared and certified by quality auditors. But when the real crisis hits us, neither the manual is readily available nor do we have the time to read and act as prescribed.
Then how do we prepare for this crucial stage of our life. Some of the tricks, which we have tried and tested are as follows. As parents, one of us can get closer to the child, evolving as a friend over a period of time. It may or may not work but it is worth a try. It is also useful to find out who in the inner circle of relatives and family friends is closest to our kids. We need to find the person whom the child trusts blindly and will be willing to confide in. This may help us enable the kid to share their concerns openly with them and thus minimise tension and perceived misbehaviour at home.
This phase of life teaches you that there is a generational shift. You suddenly realise that you have grown up and have children, who are from a different generation. It may also be useful to be in touch with the realities of today. The needs, wants, behaviours and motivation drivers for our kids is different today. We may or may not appreciate them but we need to accept them as our current reality.
As in the photo above, the generational shift is visible even in the organisational setting.
The earlier we face this reality, the faster we are likely to adapt and change. If we live in the past, the future may hit us harder. The future will become the present sooner than we realise. So, it is better to co create the future along with our kids by adapting to this changed phase of life rather than be a victim of the change.
Together , let us create the future.
S Ramesh Shankar
12th September 2018