Category: Uncategorized

True test of Partnership


Marriage is a noble institution. It brings two individuals to share the joy and sorrows of life together. In the ancient tradition, our parents looked at boys or girls for their kids and arranged the marriage. There was a lot of investment in horoscopes and astrologers to make matches between families.
In today’s era, most of the youngsters choose their own partners either in college or later in their work life. They spend enough time to know one another and then decide to tie the knot. Religion, caste, creed etc. which were the main criteria for marriages in the bygone era has given way today to mutual interests by the younger generation. It is compatibility, which is the sole criterion for the decision.  
I sometimes have wondered as to why some marriages work and others don’t. This question in my mind has shattered all hypotheses for successful marriages which experts have enunciated. I have seen successful marriages amongst arranged ones as well as love marriages. I have witnessed people from the same state, religion, caste and creed not getting along and on the other hand people as diverse as Kashmir and Kanyakumari have evolved as great partners in life.
If if look back at my marriage, which is 32 years young this year, I can possibly summarise some of my learnings of how to make a marriage work :
1. Adapt to each other’s strengths and weaknesses : If we can build on each other’s strengths rather than weaknesses, it helps.

2. Support your partner in a crisis : All of us go through our crests and troughs in a relationship. The true test of partnership in life is not tested when everything is hunky dory. It is when you are going through a low phase of life. Your partner can be a good listener, a silent supporter and a person who can help you bounce back.

3. Gratitude : I realise that many a time we forget all the good things God has bestowed on us when we go through a tough period. We curse the Almighty for giving us all the sorrow. It is not easy to reflect on this especially when you are at the receiving end. It is at this stage one of the partners can help the other to be grateful for all that they have in life . 

4. Resolving Conflicts: When we go through conflicts in life, many a time we find a escape route. Running away from a problem does not solve it. Our true test of character is when we face issues head on and are willing to give-in and create win win solutions.

5. Forgiveness & Ego : Most of the time I have noticed that our ego plays spoilsport. Each of us wants the other to take the lead and we are not willing to forgive, forget and move on. We tend to blame each other rather than enable the other. It is our ability to forgive, which raises our stature and bonds our relationship. 
I met my partner in college and we decided to marry each other. Our families were not readily supportive of our idea. But it is our resolve, trust in each other and honesty, which helped us convince our families. Since then, we have also seen a lot of ups and downs. It has been the support of each other, which has made our partnership work. We have had great times together, we have fought with each other and even not talked to each other for days but never given up. One of us took the lead to give in and listen to the other. This has been the foundation of our partnership.
If I may summarise, I would say it is unconditional love, trust and our ability to be there for one another, which makes partnerships work. We need each other’s support, when we face a crisis rather than good times only. I am sure each of us can find a way if we are willing to work together always.
S Ramesh Shankar

“Thought”

” Thought”

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A colleague shared a beautiful quote, which said ” Watch your thoughts, they become your words, watch your words they become your action, watch your action they become your habit, watch your habit they become your character and watch your character they become your destiny. “. She further requested me to write on “Thought”

After thinking a bit, I realised that it may be true. After all thought is like a seed. If we sow it, nurture it and water it well, it could be a sapling. Then we care for it a bit more and it becomes a tree. Similarly, a thought which flashes our mind, if we let it settle down and nurture it, it could lead to thinking. We then speak about it with family and friends, share it, express it in words with others and they may lead to action. If we repeat the action since we start enjoying it, it becomes a habit and we have realised that habits mould our character. It is our character, which leaves a legacy and may be shapes our destiny.

Now, let me think of a thought and see if all this hypothesis is true. I thought of writing a blog about three months ago. I always enjoyed writing but had not really pursued it as a hobby for many years. After this thought struck me in February, I did express in words with some of my family members and friends. They encouraged me to write and even gave me tips of how to write a blog and where to start. Then I started brooding over it and started writing my first blog on 11th March 2016. After I made the first attempt, I resolved to myself that I will write every week. Now I publish it every Friday and have not missed a week so far and hence has become a habit. My thoughts published in the form of my blogs may reflected my thoughts, my values and in a way may reflect my character. Now this may become my destiny. This means that this hypothesis may be mostly true.

Let me take an example from the work place. I first thought of having a get together of all my HR team in my company through a large scale interactive process so that we can listen to all our key stakeholders and evolve our vision, strategies and priorities for the team. This thought I shared with my leadership team, which help me crystallise it. Then together we converted that into action and formed a design and logistics team to execute it. This execution was done for the first time in 2011 and from then on happens every year and has become a habit for the HR team. This habit determines the character of the HR team in our organisation and this evolves our destiny.

Another important factor worth remembering is that our thoughts determine our state of mind and that shapes our destiny. If we choose to be happy, we are happy under any circumstance and if we choose otherwise, nothing in this world can bring us happiness. So everything in this world including our happiness starts and ends with a thought. So, why not choose to be happy every day by thinking that we can choose to be happy always.

Hence, it is true that we need to nurture our thoughts and then invest it to convert it onto action. Perseverance makes the action a habit. Habits determine our character and the character defines our destiny.

I do believe every action begins with a thought. Do you ?

S Ramesh Shankar

Generation Gap

  All of us grow up in age. But, do we necessarily grow up in life. May be not. I am reminded of an incident, which happened in my life almost two decades back. In India, we have a tradition that when we visit our family or friends during a festival, we buy gifts for them. I was visiting my sister in Delhi to be with her family for Diwali. I decided to go and buy clothes for my sister’s family. So, I went out to the nearest market with my brother in law and my nephew to buy clothes for them. I finished all the purchases. The only one left was for my nephew, who was a teenager. We went up and down many shops. If I chose a blue striped shirt, my nephew would reject it and if he chose a red shirt, I would reject. This happened a few times and then I and my brother in law got fed up. So, I told my nephew that my budget for his gift was Rs 500 and he could take it and buy it himself later. He politely agreed but turned around wanted to share some thing with me. I nodded. He said, if you don’t mind uncle, why don’t you accept that there is a generation gap between us ( myself and his father) and him. Our interests need not necessarily match with his interests. If blue striped shirt was our choice, he could prefer a bright red one and there was nothing wrong. This hit me hard like a slap on my face. I realised that I did not recognise the gap in our generations and I was steadfastly imposing my views on them.

  This was a turning point in my life. I was used to choose clothes for my kids too. But from then on, I only allocated a budget, which I could afford and then let them decide for themselves. In my view, this a good lesson to grow up in life. It may happen to us at home and at work.

   If I look at the work life, I can share another interesting incident. This time I was learning to respect the wishes and interests of a generation older than me. I was posted in a factory and my room was facing a beautiful garden. I decided to turn my table and put my chair in a such a way that I could admire the greenery of the garden. My seniors ( CEO & CFO) came to my room and personally lifted the table and chair and put it back in its original direction. When I told them that I was keen in admiring the garden, they told me that as per Vaastu( Indian science for architecture) that was not ok. As far as possible managers and leaders should face the north while sitting in office and hence I cannot change the direction of my table and chair since it would face south. I was not a great believer of Vaastu at that stage of my career, but I respected the belief of my seniors and reluctantly accepted their advice. Today, if Ilook back I realize there is science in Vaastu and hence may be they had reasons for their choices.

   My learning from both the above incidents is that we have to respect the views of all generations and have the humility to accept that their view could be different than yours. It could be from a generation younger than you or older than you. That does not matter. What matters is our ability to respect the views of all generations and our magnanimity to accept and adopt it. Of course, we could agree to disagree also.

   It is time to realise that we could learn from all generations and the earlier we realise it the faster we grow up in life.

  S Ramesh Shankar