Author: S Ramesh Shankar

Born in Trichy, Tamil Nadu, India, I have been brought up in different parts of India. Graduate in chemistry and post graduate in personnel management and industrial relations. Have been a HR practitioner for 38 years in the industry and have experience in working in steel , automobiles, FMCG and engineering industry. Was head of HR for Siemens in South Asia based out of Mumbai till March 2019. Currently founded hrishti - joy forever, a social enterprise to give back to society and work as Chief Joy Officer.

Empathy


Our ability to put ourselves in the other person’s shoes is called empathy.  It is easier to define than practise.  While most of us sympathise with many situations, it may be much more difficult to empathise.  All of us go through difficult situations in life.  It is easier for us to advise others when we are far away from their realities.  It is like while  sitting in an air conditioned commentary box, it is easier for commentators and spectators to criticise the sportspersons.  It is much more difficult when you are faced with tough opponents in a sports field to face them.  The commentators, who have played the game know where the shoe pinches and hence their comments would be much more realistic than others.

Life is no different than any sport.  We have to play the game of life and be a winner.  It will pose difficult and easy situations for us to deal with.  While all incidents are not easy to deal with, we find it more difficult when we start getting unsolicited advise from people, who have never dealt with it before.  It is in such instances, we realise the value of empathy.  Anyone, who has been there and done that will never give you an impractical advise.  Such people are able to put themselves in your situation and hence their thoughts are more grounded to reality.

On the other hand, we get advise at home and work from many people around us, who have never experienced what we are facing in life.  It is not only difficult to digest such advise in life but more strenuous to listen to it.  We have to learn to be patient and listen to them although we may feel they are not useful.  It may be a good idea to listen to them, distil them and take only that, which is useful to you.

Empathy is critical both at home and at work.  As parents, siblings or children we gain more respect from other family members, when we are able to put ourselves in their situations before we advise them.  Similarly, as bosses, colleagues or team members, it may be worthwhile to advise from personal experience rather than theortical constructs.  If our team members believe that we have experienced such situations in our career before we give them advise, they value our advise more.

One of the Indian mythological theory called “Vidhurshastra” states that ” Never give an advise to an adult unless sought for”. It is possibly based on this premise of empathy.  It probably assumes that an adult will never seek advise from another person unless that person has gone through such an experience in life.  So, life is all about experiences.  If we are able to share our experience of how we failed or succeeded, it may get more valued.  On the other hand, if we give advise based on imagining a situation, it may have less credence.

Like a married couple can establish a happy relationship by empathising with each other as in the photo above.

Hence, it may be a good idea to put ourselves in the other person’s position, before we give advise.  What do you think ?

S Ramesh shankar

Relationship

  What is a “Relationship” ?  


In my view, the basis of connection between two human beings is “Relationship”. All of us play multiple roles in our personal and professional lives. We are children, siblings, spouses, parents, grand parents, grand children and so on. Similarly, we are individual contributors, team leaders, managers, managers of managers and so on.

   I have always been inquisitive as to why some people get along easily with others and some don’t. Let us start with our family. Why do we find it easier to interact and relate to some family members and not with others. Interestingly, the reasons may not be the same for everyone to relate with someone better than others but the attributes, which makes a relationship click may be similar.

   If we move to the work place, the situation is similar. We get along easily with some colleagues and not with others. We find that gender, hierarchy or roles really do not matter. We relate and click with some of them easily and find it difficult with others.

  So, if we need to understand as to what helps in building good relationships one may need to reflect and introspect. I will prefer to look within to reflect and understand what helps me relate better with my spouse, my kids and my relatives. Similarly, what helps me relate better at the work place and what does not. How can I contribute to building better relationships ? 

   I would say that what helps me in my family has helped me at work. The first and foremost skill, which has helped me is to be a good listener. Most of us speak more than we listen. While all of us love to be listened to, we hate to listen to others. Hence, every attempt to improve my listening has helped me to build better relationship at home and at work.

   The second quality which has enabled me to build relationships is my ability to forgive and say sorry. We all have egos and it is the most difficult thing to manage. None of us accept that we made a mistake and are willing to give in. If we have the courage to say sorry first and forgive our spouse in the family or colleague at work, it definitely helps.

   The third attribute, which has helped me to forge good relationships is “Walking the talk”. If you expect your family member to live up to their commitments, you have demonstrate it rather than ask for it. Similarly, if you want your team to be deliver on time, you show the way rather than give a speech. This helps you build respect. They trust you and thereby it paves the way for a great relationship.

   If I may summarise, “Listening”, “Forgiveness” and “Walk the Talk” are three qualities to imbibe to build great “Relationships”

S Ramesh Shankar

Role Reversal


As we grow up as kids, we all are in awe of our parents.  We adore them and think they are everything to us.  We respect them, serve them and even role model their behaviour in our everyday life.  They become the standard for most things we do in life.  We consult them and seek their advice in any dilemma or major decisions in life.  This continues till the day we stand on our own feet.  

As we become independent, we start believing that the world is in our control.  We may not disrespect them but tend to take decisions on our own.  Our parents are proud of our independent nature and they let go their control over us.  We gain confidence and lead our own lives in our own way.

We get married and our spouse enters our lives.  She/He contributes equally to our well being and participates in all our decision making processes.  Some of us continue to seek advice from our parents even at this stage as we respect their acumen.  Then we bear kids and many a time move away from our homes in view of career compulsions.  This not only makes us physically away from our parents but also tends to emotionally distance us.

Our parents continue to believe that we are connected with them emotionally and we will take care of them for the rest of their lives.  But suddenly, the pressures of work , family commitments and the demands of our careers takes us farther away from them.  They are left lonely at home and mostly to fend for themselves.  Many a time , as children, we do not have the time or the intent even to visit them leave alone take care of  all their needs.

Suddenly, our parents feel the vacuum in their lives.  They feel helpless and not taken care of.  They do not look upon us for our monetary support.  They are more interested in our emotional support.  We think we have done our duty by sending some money every month or by providing a lot of material support for their physical convenience.  We do not realize that at this stage of their life, they look for emotional well being rather than material comforts.

I have always wondered why this change as the roles reverse in our lives.  Why do we not realize that this is a cycle of life and one day we will be in their position too.  What happens to all their contributions to our success in life ? Why do we become less grateful to them ? Why does selfish interest make us forget to be grateful to our parents, who have made us what we are today ?

May be I do not have the answers but I do have many questions.  May be I can be different now and in the future.  What can make us realize that this is the core of the Indian culture.  How can we sustain and preserve it for our future generations ? Can I commit to be different and be a role model for my children and grand children to follow ?

Even today, there are many good people, who take care of their parents( like my aunt in the picture above taken care by her son and daughter in law) and I salute them.

S Ramesh Shankar